Zhivan and Ahmed Get Fraiche!

Hey everyone look – it’s Twinbrook!

It’s all back to normal, just like Gillie said! Twallan’s mod repaired it good as new.

Looks like something interesting’s going on down at the City Hall.

Looks like someone’s doing a bit of electioneering.

Well, if it isn’t Zhivan – running for public office in the rebuilt Twinbrook he’s hoping to redevelop!

‘…that this nation, under Plumbob, shall have a new birth of freedom—and that government of the Simmies, by the Simmies, for the Simmies, shall not perish from the earth. Friends, Twinbrookians, Countrymen…’

‘…lend me your… your… uhm… er…’

What’s the matter Zhivan? Forgotten your speech?


Oh no, not again! Pull yourself together, or you’re going to…

Too late!

‘Um, er, ***cough!*** Good day to you Mrs Racket, can I count on your vote on…’

‘Hrrumph! Extremist candidates! Shouldn’t be allowed!’

‘Oh patches, that’s that vote lost.’

Probably that whole household now, and there’s seven on the voters’ roll there!

‘Hey, it’s not my fault – ever since getting involved in this election I’m having to snatch quick meals where I can, I can’t get any free growing flame fruit or life fruit around here to keep my HONS in check, and the local store doesn’t sell anything fresh fruit, meat or milk that not genetically modified.’

We’d no idea Monsanto had a presence in Twinbrook!

‘Hehehehe, maybe I could stand as the Tea Party candidate instead, no one would bat an eyelid then if I said I wanted to eat their granny!’

No you can’t, ‘cos there isn’t any tea in The Sims 3 anyway. And stop pulling that face, with that beard it makes you look like Count Olaf!

‘Could stand as the VFD candidate instead then?’

No. because all your opponents would paint out the F in your campaign posters and make you look even sillier.

‘Then what am I going to do then?’

Meanwhile, elsewhere in Twinbrook, some other political campaigners are taking a well earned holiday – but unfortunately not everything’s harmonious.

‘Look Ahmed, it’s nothing personal man, it’s just that Bobert, Cassie, Somayea, Yo!WhoMovedMyCheese and I think that perhaps you’re turning into a fat bastard.’

‘Whoa, dude! Come off the fence and say what ya really feel, why don’t you? Don’t blame me because those Mare’s Nest douchewaffles haven’t a clue how to use the body sliders properly!’

That’s right, blame us why don’t you?

‘Yeah, well, it’s just like, ya know, maybe you oughta go to the gym here some time and work out a bit, burn off some calories!’

‘Ye wot? The Lakefront Wellness Centre? I am not going to spend one minute in some place full of pathetic 30 something narcissists trying to kid themselves they’re still young and disgusting aging old lechers pretending to exercise when all they’re interested in is looking for teenagers in spandex to perv over, suspended in a miasma of Protein Supplement fart odour that turns your skin greeny brown!’

And you thought it was just at your local gym this was the case!

‘Look dude – either you do that, or one night you’re gonna find Bobert and Cassie trying to give you liposuction with the vacuum cleaner and the sink plunger again when they’ve have too much nectar! Remember last time, you couldn’t sit down for a week.’


We think we have a better idea. What you need is:

Yes, all the wholesome goodness of regular Figwit, with that unique Bogong Moth Enzymes Technology ™ inside, but also with real pieces of Flame Fruit and Life Fruit inside – the healthy fat-busting way to start your day!

Just one bowlful a day will alleviate the symptoms of Hands On Neck Syndrome or any ill effects from local concentrations of the Butterflies of Doom for up to 24 hours – leaving you free to carry on with your day without any desire to eat anyone’s granny.

‘Um, do I have to eat this? It looks like the floor of a monkey house, and smells roughly similar.’

Unless you particularly want the vacuum cleaner attachment up the jacksy c/o Bobert and Cassie tonight.

‘Er, in that case…’

Typical! Tsch, kids today! Unless it contains 200% of their RDA of sugar and 500% of their RDA of caffeine, they’re not interested.

‘Shaddup! Actually this is sort of alright.’

We’re gratified at your majesty’s begrudged approval. Let’s see what our culinary connoisseur Zhivan thinks of it.

WTF? ZHIVAN? ZHIVAN! Who the hell is this, and where the hell has Zhivan got to? If he’s gone off and stuck Anna-Liza Riddle in the nearest oven instead…

‘Hold your horses, Mares – the locals came wandering over when they saw you setting up the pack shots, and one of them’s pinched Zhivan’s seat before he arrived.’


‘Right everyone, I’m here, sorry I’m late – blame the taxi driver’s new SAT NAV, worse than useless!’

Don’t tell us, he bought the Birmingham special edition model – whatever directions request you type in, it just replies, ‘Na, sorry I’m not from round here mate!’

‘Holy crap on a cracker, what the hell is that?’

That is what you’ll turn into if you don’t eat up all your Figwit Flame Fruit & Life Fruit Fraiche, young man!

***Mutter!*** Yes mum! So this is going to help me to lose weight?’

With the nutritional impact of Flame Fruit and Life Fruit, together with that unique Bogong Moth Enzymes Technology ™, you’ll be losing those excess pounds in next to no time.

‘After only one sitting?’


‘Hang on, that doesn’t sound right. He’ll lose weight after just one bowlful? How can that be possible?’

Did we also mention that one bowlful contains approximately four ounces of Senna extract as well?

‘SENNA EXTRACT? I’ve just had prunes with that! And you’ve brought us here to a place with no public toilets, and none anywhere within a square mile! Oh my God, what’s happening to my insides?’

Er, think it’s time you started running to find one before you start, ahem, ‘running’!

‘I take it the regular requirement to dash to the toilet is part of the reason people lose weight eating this?’

Mmmm, can’t say, as that’s a trade secret!

But that’s not the only benefits of new Figwit Flame Fruit & Life Fruit Fraiche!

Just like before it will also clean your clothes and clean your teeth, but best of all…

…it will make you king of the dance floor!

‘Hmmm, a most intriguing development. Ahmed and I are the only two people in this night club to have eaten a bowl of Figwit Flame Fruit & Life Fruit Fraiche today. Neither of us have taken any dancing lessons, and yet all of a sudden we’re pwning the scene with our skanking capabilities and making everyone else look completely shite!’

Once more, that unique Bogong Moth Enzymes Technology ™ and those real pieces of Flame Fruit and Life Fruit have done it again. But that’s not all it does.

‘Um, Zhivan, I know we hardly know one another but could I possibly have your babies? About 15 billion of them?’

‘Er, what the plumbob…’

‘Beat it kid, I saw him first!’

‘Get away with your faffing, Bill Racket, you hairy maungy gormless wassock before I give ye a braying and rag the flaming toffees from ya! He’s not interested in a paggered ladging chuddy monk like thee!’

Yes, regular consumption of Figwit Flame Fruit & Life Fruit Fraiche will render you irresistably attractive to both sexes!

‘Wahey! Look at how slim I am now – and I’m a total babe magnet!’

‘Just look at the way that hot chick over there’s eyeing me up instead of that dork she’s dancing with!’

Er, Ahmed…

‘Wow! What a man!’

Wow, what a prune! Think you gotten into enough trouble with those for one day, Ahmed.

Knick knack, Pattina Knack, don’t give that dog a bone – maybe it’s time you all went home!

‘That sound’s like a good idea, considering what Bobert’s getting up to!’

Dare we look, Cassiebeth?

‘Bobert, what the hell are you doing?’

Now by way of comparison, look at this poor chap.

Failure to eat Figwit Flame Fruit & Life Fruit Fraiche on a regular basis has resulted in Bobert here having the dancing abilities of Adrian Edmondson in the end sequence of the TV Show Bottom.

Let it be a warning to all.

‘Ahmed and Zhivan’s dancing may make some want to have babies, but Bobert’s makes me want to have a cheese omelette!’

So remember, only that unique Bogong Moth Enzymes Technology ™ with real pieces of Flame Fruit and Life Fruit in Figwit Flame Fruit & Life Fruit Fraiche cereal and washing powder combined can keep you slim, disinterested in eating grannies, and have you needing to beat them off with a shitty stick in the local nightclubs and bars!

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