CloverStarDropper in Little RAD Riding Hood – A Traditional Tale For Halloween (Until We’ve Finished With It…)

‘Hmmm, Rhea’s sent me my monthly Blue Plumbob, but where’s my Palmer?’

‘Oh hello, you’ve arrived at last. My name is Rad and I am a British type person and a proud Taffer from Boolprop Fight The Addiction False, the premier forum for Simming stories. Tonight is Halloween, and you know what that means, don’t you?

Not answering your door when it gets dark in the hope the trick-or-treaters take the hint, with a goat’s severed head on the front step for good measure?

‘Erm, nooooo, that’s means it’s time for spooky scary story telling, but not too scary because we don’t want to get sued for causing any children psychological trauma! So tonight I am here to read to you all the classic well loved fairy tale of Little Red Riding Hood, with a little help from a kind volunteer…’

‘MAAAAAARES! I’M GOING TO EFFING MURDER YOU IN YOUR EFFING BEDS FOR DRESSING ME LIKE THIS!’

‘Oh brother… here we go! You’re supposed to be Little Red Riding Hood, how did you expect to be dressed?’

‘In something that makes me look less like the October Centrefold for Pedobear Monthly!’

Aw, doesn’t she look adorable – bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahah! Cheer up, Switch, you never know, it might become all the fashion at the next Minecon!

‘The ice you’re treading on is getting thinner by the second!

‘Ahem, anyway, as I was saying before the cast got bolshie, this is the story of Little Red Riding Hood. She was a sweet little girl who lit up the room…’

‘Give me matches and a can of petrol and I’ll be happy to demonstrate!’

‘… who one day after she finally shut the f**k up took a basket of goodies to her dear grandma who was feeling poorly.’

‘That’s what you think sunshine – turn on, tune in, Switch off!’

‘Ahem – so once she put the goodies in the basket…’

‘Nope! She put on the computer and played Minecraft. all day long, while granny phoned herself in pizza and tanked it with a six pack of Sprite while watching Spongebob Squarepants and so farted herself to death – the end!’

‘It puts the goodies in the basket and goes to grandma’s house.’

‘Lalalalanotlistening! Think I’ll do some eggy wegs on Dragon Cave as well…’

‘It puts the goodies in the basket, or it gets the hose again.’

‘Then I’ll dig up some more…’

‘PUT THE F**KING GOODIES IN THE BASKET!’

‘Yipe! Okayokayokay, I’m back outside and heading for Grandma’s house so don’t go nuclear on my ass!’

Smile and the world smiles with you. Snarl and you get better service!

‘So Little Red Riding Hood went through the woods – if she bloody well knows what’s good for her – with a basket of goodies to visit her sick grandma.’

‘Yeah, sick alright, bet she’s some psychobitch from Hades on more drugs than a West Coast rock star who feeds pigeons bread dipped in bicarbonate of soda and posts slices of toast to famine appeals. And this isn’t even a basket, it’s a carrier bag!’

We didn’t want to give you a basket in case the goodies attracted bees. You know how much you like bees!’

‘Eeeuuugh! Don’t even talk about them! What the hell’s this granny doing in the wood anyway? Switchy hath to know whether she’s one of those wackjob survivalists or running a cannabis farm on the Q.T?’

‘Sheesh, never work with children or animals unless they’re stuffed! Anyway, when looking for directions where to go…’

‘Oh herpyderpyderp, how the gastard guggery am I supposed to read that? Doesn’t matter, suppose I just need to follow my nose.’

Is that some sort of weird Californian psychic skill?

‘Nope, just following the inevitable smell of lavender water and pish to find the old cow!’

***Ahem!*** When she was effing looking for effing directions where to effing go…’

‘…she encountered the BIG BAD WOLF!’

‘Hello little girl! Are you lost in the dark spooky old woods all alone?’

‘Lemme guess, to be followed with “would you like a sweetie?” and “would you like a ride in my battered white van with Free Candy written on the sides?”! Piss off you big hairy pervy perv!’

‘Listen sister, I didn’t ask for this gig! So how’s abouts you gets with the programme, sticks with da script, and we can both be outta here pronto – kapisch?

‘Yeah, well I’ve decided I’m a method actress, so where’s my artistic motivation here? You don’t even look remotely like a wolf – you look like some vampire orc from Skyrim with a mullet! What were you doing before this, auditioning to join Metallica? Wanna loan of my dental braces for that bottom jaw overbite?’

‘I’m warning you…’

‘Ah, warning, schmorning! This stuff’s too adult for kids anyway. I mean c’mon, you don’t have to be Sigmurd Pervy Pants Freud to know Little Red Riding Hood’s all bloody subliminal woohoo! The wolf’s a lothario, the grandmother represents society elders who might warn her of his reputation, and as for this stupid red cape and hood…’

‘…DON’T EVEN GO THERE! Thank you Nancy bloody Friday, can we now please get on with this, or are there any other well-loved nostalgic parts of innocent childhood you’d like to trash talk before we continue?’

‘Don’t start me on Rapunzel! So you’ve got, like, this peasant virgin wench who gets locked up by some lesbo hippy inside a giant phallic symbol…’

‘Urrrrrrrrrraaaaarrrrrgh!’

Serves you right for asking!

***mutters loudly*** ‘Tell you what – you stick with the script kiddo, and I’ll not stick my toe so far up your ass you’ll be farting Big Bad toenails for a week!’

‘Ulp!’

‘Right den, from the top,’ (***sickly smarmy voice***) ‘Why tell me Little Red Riding Hood, what are you doing out here in the woods all alone?’

‘Looking for bears crapping in it… oh, alright, I’ll play along [***exaggerated high pitched voice likes she’s been sucking on helium***] I’m on my way to my frail grandma’s house with this basket of goodies.’

‘Why, what a thoughtful little girl you are, you must love your grandma very much.’

‘You kidding, buster? You know what it’s like having some halitosis ridden old fossil insisting on cleaning your face with a crusty old hankie she’s just spat on every time you call on her? After everything I’ve had to put up with from the old cow, if Nanny Piss Knickers ain’t got me top of her Will when she croaks, I’ll be hanging her wrinkly carcass out in the garden for the blue tits to peck!’

‘Erm, that’s… interesting. So where is it your grandma stays? I really think you should pick her some flowers before you arrive…’

‘Yeah yeah, the old delay Redhood’s arrival routine! The cottage is at the end of this path. You wanna have her buns between two buns, you go right on in, bro! Put the old git out of her misery – and me out of mine – and you can help yourself to any of the tasteless junk she’s got inside. But I’ve first dabs on her iPad!’

‘Bah! Kids today, they take all the fun out of being a Big Bad Wolf.’

‘Hehehehehe, good evening madam, I’m here to inspect your gas oven, with you inside it at Gas Mark 7!

‘And so the Big Bad Wolf entered Little Red Riding Hood’s poor frail old grandmother’s house, where she was a helpless invalid. When the wolf got inside…’

‘Aaaarrrrgghhh!’

‘Ah, sweet succulent granny! There’s nothing like it! How long before your Granny Stew is ready, Zhivan?’

‘Just another five minutes, Aarin, and la pièce de résistance of our Halloween feast will be ready! You are sure she was already dead and had instructed in her will her body was to be left to you?’

‘Come now, Zhivan, would I lie to you?’

***Cough!***

‘Arrrr, and what are ye doing barging in here – yer too late, furryf**k, we’re gonna be the ones wolfing her all down, so get thee gone!’

‘Moryrie, really! That’s no way to speak to a guest!’

‘Arrr, alrighty Zhivan, keep yer hat on! He can gnaw on the bones if he likes, unless you want to make a Bonehilda out of her!’

‘Any chance of sticking that sodding parrot in the pot as well Zhivan as a garnish?’

‘That’s enough of that mutinous talk, Reesaroo, or it’ll be yer giblets for dessert!’

‘Well who didn’t see that punchline coming?’

‘Yes, Cloverstardropper, but what is the all-important moral of the story?’

‘Ahem – as the early bird gets the worm, so the early granny eater gets the granny!

‘Beautifully put! Well readers, I hope you enjoyed this new interpretation of a classic children’s story, and if not, tough titty on just wasting the last five minutes of your life. My name is Rad, and I am a British type person and Taffer. Goodnight!’

  

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