Raiders Of The Lost Island Consignment Shop – Part 34

ROTLICS - Part 34 - header

If you’ve not been keeping up, here’s where to go…

Trapped in an upstairs bedroom with the Carrow twins demanding upon her life a question she could not answer, Lia Sims decided to make a run for help downstairs…

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… it was a very poor decision…

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‘Oh, nice one Flora – wake up half the neighbourhood as well as the whole house with a killing curse! Never heard of stupify ?’

‘Shut up Hestia! Downstairs will be up here in a moment when that body crashes on top of them – what do we do now? Finish the rest?’

‘Do we hell – every Death Eater in earshot’s going to be surrounding this place shortly – follow me!

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‘Where are we going?’

Where doesn’t matter right now, all that does matter is that we…’

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Elsewhere, just east of Valley View, one of the Stars Hollow quartet has also run out of luck…

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‘Your race is run – prepare to die.’

‘Hey look, could we, like, talk about this first? My name’s Rory, I’m assuming your name is Gogo, right?’

‘Sure. Let’s be friends about this.’

‘Oh, good!’

‘How would you prefer to die? Instead of my meteor hammer, I could use my chain whip, or simply break your neck. All instantaneous I assure you.’

‘That wasn’t quite the sort of talk I had in mind…’

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‘If it’s all the same to you, just hurry up and get on with it. Your only role left in this life is to save me bullets.’

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‘Huh?… you again? Guns are for weakings. You think you’ll even get to fire your gun before I take your head off?’

‘I fancy my odds. At least this way you get to make one kill before you leave the game.’

‘The game? What game?’

‘The game we’re all in…’

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‘Hold it right there, trigger happy Jappy – and you, f**kface with the mace. Put your weapons down, and all of you start turning out your pockets – I might afterwards let you assholes live.’

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‘No, all of you hold it right there. I have two guns, I don’t know why I have two guns, but seeing that I do and the rest of you don’t, I say you all have to stop pointing your guns or ball and chains and any other such weapons you may have in your possession at one another, and especially at me – which none of you were but I’m just saying… like, don’t do it, okay? Oh, and urrrr, don’t turn out your pockets, just like everyone stay where they are and not do anything unless asked, I mean told, yeah?’

She’s confused?

What about the rest of us!

yewot  yewot

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‘Hmmmpf! Looks like I don’t get a real choice, do I? So Ginger-san, what happens next?’

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‘Em…. well first I lower my guns so I don’t get tuckered out but none of you girls get any ideas, okay? Second I get to point and laugh and say ‘hardy har-har ,Violet!’ for that preppy outfit you’re wearing, Russ is gonna hurl when he hears about this. Third, I get to ask how do I know your name’s Violet and who the hell’s Russ? Fourth, since when do I ever say tuckered out like I’m an Australian or a New Zealander or somewhere else that sounds old fashioned but probably isn’t. Fifthly, why am I talking so much? I’ve like, you know, just used a full month’s worth of normal talk time.’

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‘Oh, so this was all a trap was it? You pretended to trip and fall so we’d catch up with you, then your partner could take us all out when we were too busy paying attention to you and each other? Clever, perhaps even admirable. What happens now – we are given the choice of joining your assassination squad or being killed and our decapitated heads with our eyeballs removed being sent to our bosses, yes?’

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‘Ew! Gross! Excuse me for a moment, I think I’m gonna f**king hurl.’

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‘Okay, that’s it, I’m not playing anymore! I’m as about as confused as I’m ever going to be. I’m not moving from this spot no matter how wet it’s making my tush until someone tells me what is going on around here – the more I seem to move around in this crazy where-ever-I-am, the crazier it seems to get!’

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‘Is this the part I come in? Oh good. I do so like a Greek chorus. Unfortunately we are fresh out of Greeks at the moment in Moonlight Falls so you will have to make do with a Kosher chorus instead.’

‘What the…’

“What” – dear Rory – is the appropriate question at this juncture, or to elaborate, what do we have here? Hmmm, a zugzwang I think you call this – all of you have got yourselves into a situation where you are forced to make a move, and yet to do so first will be to the disadvantage of at least two of you – your victim and yourself. I’d say a Mexican stand off, but there’s more than three. Perhaps a Polish parliament instead: the only Diet that isn’t calorie controlled.’

‘Come again?’

‘Excuse my levity, Ellie, but there is so much fun to be found in this less than humourous situation – for instance, young Rory’s predicament considering she once dressed as young Gogo for a Halloween party…’

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‘Who the hell are you?’

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‘Rather amusing that you should chose to demand my identity when you have proven less than manifest bar young Rory here in attempting to identity one another to one another. It’s unfortunate that weapons should be in lieu of conversation ‘twixt you five – not an auspicious start, is it?’

‘Oh, touché.’

‘Now that we are six, let me introduce myself as Jix – Jix Ivanir – or Jix2993. Each of you bar young Ellie in the fetching t-shirt there also have many names, although you do not realise it yet – that is where the danger truly lies, and that is why I am here – for you.’

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‘Erm, pop quiz, why should we trust you any more than we distrust one another?’

‘No reason at all – except to say your current options are limited to running around until each one of you is killed, which I suspect was the intention of those responsible for bringing you here.’

‘You’ll have to do better than that. I’m not so much the trusting type anymore.’

‘Understandably so, Susie – or is it Daisy. Judging by the retro jacket, it’s Susie, yes?’

‘Hey, how did you know…’

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‘Later, dear, later. Oh, there’s also the other small matter that I have an Uzi – like every good Jewish princess should keep in her Gucci handbag, it makes getting that last parking space so much easier.’

‘Uh oh.’

‘Oh shit.’

‘Not good!’

‘Ah, that was the response I was looking for. Excellent, I knew we could find a mutual understanding! Therefore, please stop pointing your dangerous toys at one another or I am afraid I will reluctantly have to kill the lot of you – not only are you a danger to one another but to the local residents of Moonlight Falls – particularly the Pok family at 277 Valley View Drive right behind you. Time is at a premium, and there’s none to spare for standoffs, whether they be Mexican, Polish, Jewish, Japanese or any other associated with excellent or at least passable cuisine.’

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‘There’s still five of us and only one of you – with four guns between us.’

‘Hey, that’s true. No way would you manage to take all of us out before we got you.’

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‘Good point Mitsuko… it is Mitsuko, isn’t it? Except that I doubt if you could count on the support of young Rory, even if she was armed. Having been threatened directly by Gogo and indirectly by you, she will be in even less of a hurry to aid your little Forlorn Hope – therefore, “and then there were four”.’

‘Too damn right there!’

‘Thank you Rory – for that you shall have a bagel. To continue, this has thirty two rounds, firing six hundred a minute, making for ten bullets a second. My ten a second against your collective four a second, and as a vampire I’ve already demonstrated my ability to move faster than you could see me arrive. You Mitsuko know what being multiple times shot with an Uzi feels like, don’t you? From Kiriyama – not very pleasant.’

‘How do you know…’

‘Let me finish. Voltaire once remarked that God was not on the side of the big battalions, but on the best shot. You Mitsuko are a pretty lousy shot – oh, don’t take it personally. Two shots to kill Hirono and one for Kotohiki, sure, but it took four to kill Chigusa after she’d killed Niida, only one of those hitting the target.’

‘Chigusa? Who is Chigusa?’

‘Chigusa is you, Gogo Yubari! I see you’re without the half tonne of warpaint that made you look like a teenage Camilla Parker Bowles – I expect that’s part of the Takako Chigusa side showing through?’

‘What? Did you say Chigusa?

‘Ah, you are surprised to hear that name, Mitsuko? After all, you killed her – shortly before you in turn were killed, which does beg the question what you are doing here, never mind her, doesn’t it? If you think you’re confused, Mitsuko-san, just wait until Gogo or Chigusa – or whatever you wish to call her – starts to remember that you’re her own dead sister, round about the same time she starts to remember you shot her dead with that very pistol you’re holding right now in another time, another place.’

‘What? You’re crazy!’

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‘I only wish I was. The longer the night goes on, the more you will all remember your other times and other places. You, Gogo, will soon remember Mitsuko as your dead sister Yuki Yubari. Just as Rory and Susie here will remember they were trained assassins that shared an epiphany in a lonely dying man’s flat. The longer this night goes on, the more you will remember your crossed and at times unfortunate lives. When you do… I… I am sorry… I am truly sorry this has been done to you. But there is a way out of this – you can all live through this if you trust me.’

‘Uh, this is the last night I ever eat cheese before going to bed.’

‘Me too!’

‘My own sister killed me? How can she when she’s dead. Or was that Kayako Saeki who did it. Wait, who is Kayako Saeki? Uh… my head… I… I don’t feel right…’

***Sigh!*** And so it begins…’

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‘No, wait a minute, I get it! This is all a trick, isn’t it? You’re part of the program as well! This is wanting to get us all to work together so you can betray us in the end and be the last student alive!’

‘What program? What is she talking about?’

‘She thinks, Rory, that she is still in the Battle Royale deathmatch, and encountering two students in school uniforms has only cemented her belief she’s in some sort of multi-school version – that she wasn’t killed by Kiriyama after all, that she survived somehow and has been put back into the game.’

‘How the…’

‘Before you ask Mitsuko, I am a vampire, and in this dimension I can read your thoughts. If you think this is a trick Mitsuko, let me ask you a question to prove it. Something no one from your old life so personal no one could ever have known.’

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‘Well. What are you waiting for? Ask!’

‘‘Tell me Mitsuko, why didn’t you kill Kitano when you had the chance? In the forest in the rain when you were about to kill Norioko?’


‘You saw he had a remote control in his pocket that activated the collars to explode back in the class room. One shot…’

‘He wasn’t in charge! The military…’

‘The military answered to his instructions in the classroom, remember? Oh, and when making the tannoy announcements he said he was adding new danger zones? The same day you ran into him in the rain.’


‘Didn’t you find it odd he just happened to be walking out there where the only student everyone knew he liked – Noriko – just happened to be? The same place where you – one of the deadliest players of the games just happened to be – ready to save her from you? Not just two princes to protect her, was it? Didn’t it dawn on you at that point the game was rigged?’

‘Because… I don’t know. Because it was teacher! Okay, it was stupid! That was stupid!’

‘After he’d told you there were no rules? Even in a game with no rules, when it’s rigged you should know to play for a void result. If you’d blown the bastard’s head off, you could have deactivated your collar with his remote. You could have deactivated anyone’s collar you liked. Kawada the transfer student had already deactivated his. You could have joined forces with Nanahara, Noriko and Kawada. They were about to join up with those about to blow up the school after taking the military’s computer system down.’


For the first time in your life you would have got what you always wanted, Mitsuko – you would have won, you would have been popular. Or was it because you saw something of him in yourself – using the game to get revenge on those you felt had wronged you. Too tempting to carry on playing the game.’

‘Urusai! Urusai! Damare konoyarou!’

‘You’re in another rigged game. All of you. You can play, pass, or help me boot the referee in the crotch. Your call.’

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Okay okay okay, before Mittsooky does something stupid and gets us all killed, I’m putting my guns down. You could have just shot us all and been done with it ages ago if you were lying. We’ll do it your way, Jinx.’

‘Yeah, me too.’

‘It’s Jix – not the cat from Pixie and Dixie that smashes meeces to pieces – and I don’t want you to drop your guns, only to put your guns down. Keep them drawn – you may still need them.’

‘Oh, who for?’

‘I don’t know. It could be who for, it could be what for – that’s what worries me. Oh, but before I forget, Rory, my brother Josh has all your companions safe and sound and awaiting all your arrivals down at the local cafe and restaurant. Perhaps we ought to rescue them from a fate worse than Paris!’

‘If it’s a guy, it’s Louise he needs to worry about.’

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‘Do you trust this vampire?’

‘More than I trust the rest of you psychotic nuts!

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‘Tsch! No need to take it so personally, we only threatened to kill you for crying out out! But seriously… er, Rory… do we trust this, er, person, thing or whatever?’

‘Seriously Gogo, do we have a choice? Let’s roll with it – things can’t get any worse – dang it, now I’ve really jinxed it saying that…’

‘It’s Jix!’

‘Whatever. Let’s roll out. I just hope there’s coffee wherever we’re going.’

‘Coffee – at least that still confirms you’re still 100% Rory…’

‘Pardon, Jinx?’

‘Nothing… and it’s Jix… oh, nevermind! Come on you lot, follow me…’


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