Raiders Of The Lost Island Consignment Shop – Part 36

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If you’ve not been keeping up, here’s where to go (but where the hell have you been the last three days then?)

Elsewhere that strange night, the World Explorers and their ragbag of Hogwartsians are approaching the Commonwealth Court…

rotlics 36 - part 1

‘Draco, don’t be running on too far ahead! We’ve got to stay together.’

‘Ah, I knew ye should have brought his baby reins out with ye.’

‘Any more lip from you Luna, and you’ll be getting a thick ear to go with it!’

‘Yes mum, sorry mum.’

‘The things I put up with just to stop two thieving pirates making off with the Winterbottom Code…’

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‘Don’t you worry yourselves, my lovelies. Your old uncle Draco’s just gonna shcout ahead ***Hic!***, make shure everything’s sahfe and shound.’

‘Let’s hope at no stage of the night he asks us to sit…’

‘Pary, really!’

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‘Er, Becca, Pary and Tangie, we may not have let Draco scout far enough ahead – look!’

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‘Oh my god, NO! DRACO!’

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My beer! My beautiful premium import strength beer! And you made me drop and smash my precious bottle of Jamesons Signature Reserve! That’s it! I’m gonna ‘ave you! I’m gonna tear you b*****ds so many new ones you’ll look like cheese graters!’

‘Em, did the Dalek’s death ray not work on him because he’s drank so much he was already clinically dead?’

‘No Reggie, it hit the bottle he was holding instead. Laser hits glass, defracts entering and exiting, energy dissipates. Take about sheer dumb luck!’

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‘Great! Survives being struck by a death ray, and instead of wanting to leg it like any normal person would, he’s wanting to start a tavern brawl!’

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‘Did you see that now? Broke his beer! That’s the sort of thing Oliver Cromwell did an’ all – well there’s no way I’m puttin’ up wi’ the likes o’ that! C’mon, let’s take these feckers!’

‘Luna? The six of us against an entire Dalek invasion force of unknown size and strength? At least Draco’s got the excuse of being drunk for having the brain of a pigmypuff!’

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‘Sorry Cho, but that sounds like a definite act of war to me and Cedric here. Destroying his beer? That counts as an Unforgiveable Curse to a Studmuffin, that does!’

‘Good call Neville – and since you dumped me, screw you bitch anyway! I’m in the mood to kick someone’s ass in a pointless machismo display of blue balls angst against random strangers.’

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‘Shut up, Sparkly Cedric, this isn’t the time for…’

‘Er Cho, Luna… listen…’

‘Pary, I think it might be an idea if you and the rest of the Golden Girls buggered off for a bit, we’re gonna be a wee bit busy, an’ it might get a bit rough.’

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‘Oh good shot Draco – wow! Quite the explosion – don’t think they were expecting that! One nil – game on!’

‘Great! Now you’ve done it, Malfoy!’

‘Hold on Cho, let’s see if I can get one next – can’t have Slytherin scoring more than Ravenclaw! House pride at stake here…’


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‘Just when I thought this night couldn’t get any worse…’

‘Agreed Reg. Run straight into a giant Death Squad of badly meshed Daleks, and this lot decide discretion is the Meh! point of valour and want instead to mimic the last episode of ninety nine percent of all Doctor Who season finalés!’

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‘And you wonder why I’m such a coward? It’s always the same when this lot are around – one train wreck after another, I almost feel sorry for Professor Snape somedays. Still, I’ve nothing left to live for anyway with Mum gone – may as well go out in a blaze of glory. You’d better lose yourselves in that library across the road – no point in you lot getting killed as well.’


‘GO! Just make sure our deaths were worth it – get that cypher you were talking about and put a stop to all this!’

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‘Becca! Reg! Pary! Quick, over here!’

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‘Guys! At last I’ve caught up with you! Are we about to go into battle? Oh good – got my wand!’

‘Lavender – nice timing. Get a swig of my Gold Reserve down you first – this is gonna be thirsty work!’

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‘You know, some days you guys were almost a pleasure to know. Well, been nice knowing you, thanks for the certain death by crispy frying in the next minute – come on, let’s get it over with…’

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And whilst the World Adventurers escaped…

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crybaby  crybaby

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‘Jess! You came back!’

‘ Of course I did, said I would.’

‘Most of them don’t.’

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‘That doesn’t surprise me after what I’ve learned. Anyway, pack whatever gear you have, you are now fully discharged from this hospital and any future ones run by the Council of the United Nations of The Sims, the Simgurus, or any of those maniacs.’

‘Do you have the power to do that?’

‘More the case they don’t have the power to hold you here.’

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‘But… but… I feel safe here. What about my medication? Maybe I ought to see what the doctors have to say first?’

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‘Annaliese, I wouldn’t trust those doctors to give me an aspirin, let alone anything else. You’re not in a hospital to get better, you’re a laboratory rat they’ll prod and poke until they’ve got as much data extracted from you as possible, after which you’ll be destroyed.’

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‘WHAT? But… but what about those doctors who said I wasn’t well but who could make me better again?’

‘There isn’t time right now to explain it all, but the longer we stay here, the more danger you’re in once they realise someone else knows you exist. Once that happens, they’ll destroy all evidence of what they’ve been up to – especially you!’

‘But how will anyone know? You won’t tell anyone about me, will you?’

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‘It doesn’t matter if I kept my mouth shut or not – that is massively irrelevent to… look, even if they didn’t find out about me being here, they’ll certainly find out about those three children who were here talking to you earlier – my guess  is they’re heading straight back to who they were working for to confirm what this Project Olympus you were part of was all about – and once that happens, those doctors will be back round here with a big syringeful of euthanasia and a bodybag with your name written on it, before heading to that prison you were in with the same intent!’

‘Oh god… I think I need to lie down… I don’t feel well. This is too much to take… why would they want to do that to me…’

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‘Erm…. I’m going to try and explain this all in a way you’ll maybe understand without getting too technical. Look here: you did classical greek mythology in school, didn’t you?’

‘Um… yes… yes! Myths of Ancient Greece and Rome by E.M. Berens is my favourite book!’

‘Brilliant – well, at least brilliant for the purposes of this conversation. Now from that, you’ve heard of the legend of Salmacis the naiad?’

‘Um, yes?’

‘Okay, it’s like this. You know in the tales how two became the one…’

‘Oh no… I don’t like where this is going…’

‘… that’s why you’ve not sure completely who you are, why you’re having those conflicting memories that make no sense, and why you’re have big chunks of blankness over the simplest explanatory memories such as how did I get here in the first place, where was I before the prison, and so forth. You are all that you think you are, but also are not at the same time.’

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‘I think I just died inside.’

‘Better than literally – having almost been there I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. Now you know why I’ve got to get you out of here. Whatever you thought may have been your old life, your new life starts right here – let’s go!’

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‘Straight through the front door like a pro, and not a single trip switch set off. Now, like I told you in the lift, you’ve got a lot of adjusting to do, but don’t worry my friends and I will help.’

‘It’s like being in a dream… like being some sort of Alice instead of Anneliese in some sort of Wonderland…’

‘Seems you’re not the only one in this mess, but it’ll work out. You’ll get to love this this world and this life faster than you’ll think. Probably best if we get you up to Glendonnach first, you’ll get some peace up there to sort yourself out about all this…’

‘I don’t get you – you talk about loving this world, yet you’re fighting against it?’

‘Well they don’t call me the Wonderland Rebel for nothing! People shouldn’t be afraid of their rulers, but rulers should always be afraid of their people – it’s a perpetual struggle, but all freedom, all liberty, all justice depends on it…’

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‘Four stationary targets whilst flying at high speed, only one chance of a clear shot, yet bullseye – still got the old magic, my pretties, hee-hee-hee!’

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‘Well don’t just stand there gawping, missy – get your finger out and get your cotton picking wand out, like you oughta have had when you left the Bloom Institute in the first place! Tsch! Kids!’

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‘Wait… what… who…why…’

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‘What do you mean what? Haven’t you saw a Dalek before? Gee, and I thought that Cloverstardrop kid was a schmuck!’

‘Cloverst… you mean Switch?’

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Yeah, yeah, she’ll be along in a minute when she’s stopped blowing her nose or whatever. At least you’re one job crossed off tonight’s list. Who’s the gibbering wreck you’ve got in tow?’

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‘Look green granny, we’ve almost been death zapped and been littered with Dalek shrapnel in the last minute, so you’ll forgive us for being perhaps just a little shaken. Oh, thanks for saving our lives, I suppose!’

‘I shall carry your eternal gratitude in my heart forever, I’m sure…’

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‘Oh, I’m sorry for not introducing myself. I’m Anneliese, thank you for saving us from those robot things – and your name is?’

***Sigh!*** Elphaba Thropp, the Eminent Thropp of Munchkinland Third Descending… ah to hell with that shit! Look kid, you’ll know me as the Wicked Witch of the West –  a sentient personification of the supernatural forces of this universe both good and evil, cast as both villain and villain, cad and Sir Galahad.’


‘Never mind – I’m just rolling.’

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‘You’ll probably find Elphaba that she failed to recognise you in your current form because the film The Wizard Of Oz was never shown in mainland Europe until after the war and therefore long after she was dead! Evening lamebrains, by the way – looks like the Munchkinland flying cavalry corps got here just in time before your delicious brains were spread all over the concrete.’

Dead! I’m dead?’

‘Oh, nice one Strawberry – it’s taken me this long to get her trust! Anne, pay no attention.’

‘Ah, shaddup Jess! Nah, you’re not dead, poor wikkle Annie. If you were, we’d be dumping you off with those undead freaks over on Lonely Island – unless Rflong7/13’s managed to kick her squatters out.’

‘You know who this is? How? I didn’t recognise her.’

‘Sure I do. Recognised her at once from the telly. Nearly got her one night outside this very hospital, but the local police beat me to her first. To think, I could have been tucking into one of the most acclaimed brains in history…’


‘Pffft, shut your yaps, culinary Philistines! And oh, she had that stupid red and white checked diary with her back then – you’ll want to track that down, ‘cos whoever’s got that, I’m betting that’s who’s behind all this around here with all the little lost souls turning up here after dark.’

‘Hey, wait a minute, she’s may be a psychotic, but she’s a bang on the money psychotic! That diary in the wrong hands will be our smoking gun.’

‘But why would the diary be important?’

‘Isn’t it obvious? Because…’

At which point, Cloverstardropper finally arrived…

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‘Hi gang! Strawberry, hope you’re being nice – hey fag-hags, how’s it going? Jessamine, weren’t you supposed to be staying indoors instead of wandering around getting into passing street battles… hey, Elphaba, what the plumbobbing mess is this?’

‘That’s what you get when you cross four Daleks with my Pinfire Curse, my pretty – went up like a treat. You’d have loved it kidda, part of me’s hoping I get the chance to do it again later, but the other half of me’s worried I’ll have to.’


Why? Daleks hovering around Twinbrook? What isn’t to worry about? What I want to know is how they got here in the first place!’

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‘Maybe this Dalek robot things came here into this world the same way I did.’

‘No they didn’t, aren’t you a bit old to be… never mind. Look kid, [sickly voice] when a mummy bird and a daddy bird love one another very much, they get certain urges…’

‘No, I didn’t mean like that! Look, that Strawberry girl said she’d saw me outside of here. Those robots appeared right outside of here. In both cases, there is no logical explanation why either were here.’

‘That’s very little to be basing a lot of theory around…’

rotlics part 36 - 41

‘Maybe not, Elphaba. Maybe Anne. There’s something not right about these Daleks for starters.’

‘Don’t get too close to them. The creatures in them might not be completely dead.’

‘They’re dead alright. I think I know dead pumpkin when I see it.’


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‘I know the look and smell of mashed and partly unprofessionally cooked pumpkin when I see and breathe it. Pumpkin and I have a special sentimental affinity.’

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‘Hey Jessamine! Jessamine! It can’t be a coincidence! You said I wasn’t everything I seemed to be, but was at the same time. Now this Clovester, er, Clothing Star Trooper… um… her with the funny name…’


‘… has just found something else that’s also not everything it seemed to be.’

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‘Have to say I’m siding with Anne on this one. Daleks that look like they were drawn by the snot nosed brats that do British Christmas stamps and being controlled by pumpkins are not exactly commensurate with canon Doctor Who fanwank, are they?’

‘Switch, really, language!’

‘Yeah, I’m the one that does all the f**king swearing round here.’

‘Shut up, Jessamine!’

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‘Hey, something’s wrong with this LLAMA box. Weren’t they originally meant to be a stupid attempt at copying a Tardis using magic? Maybe they’ve got something to do with all this…’

‘Switch, don’t start messing around with that – come out of there before you…’

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‘Uh oh!’


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