Raiders Of The Lost Island Consignment Shop – Part 37

Before any of you start groaning, don’t worry, you’ll be getting your usual update posts on Simming world nonsense later on today, but for now, here’s…

rotlics part 37 - titles

Yes, it’s been a while since the last episode, so if you want to recap, here’s where to go.

Last time out, Cloverstardropper found herself in limbo after investigating what appeared to be tampering with a LLAMA box outside the Bloom Institute of Wellness in Moonlight Falls…

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‘Great! Looks like I’m trapped in that dark matter limbo space bollocks Elphaba was talking about. Wish there was at least some light to see what’s around…’

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Be careful what you wish for…

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… you may just get it…

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’12 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes, 28 seconds. That is when the world will end.’

Dramatic

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‘Oh, trollbat. Just when I think matters can’t get any worse, I find myself trapped in a room with the Black Rabbit of Wotsit.’

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‘You mean the Black Rabbit of Inlé?’

‘I didn’t know you did carpets, dentistry and video or compact disc inserts?’

‘I said Inlé, not inlay. Never mind, once again, let me reiterate – 12 days, 6 hours, 42 minutes, 28 seconds. That is when the world will end.’

Dramatic

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‘I heard you the first time – I was merely too busy being cynical to do the obligatory responsorial aaaaarrrrrgh! Which I will now do. AAAAARRRRRGH! Better now? Now I have fulfilled my contractual obligations as imperiled hero or heroine of this point of the dramatis, you now need to elaborate according to the laws of villainy as to why and how the world will end.

‘Not with a bang or a whimper, it will simply cease to exist. Does that answer your question?’

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‘Okay Switch, let’s stay with it, don’t freak out, relax, focus, think nice thoughts, think Aurelio Voltaire, think it’s a hot summer’s day, he’s called round at my house to say, “hey Alex, it’s a hot summer’s day, do you have a cold glass of Sprite? My, I’m feeling so hot in this tight leather outfit, would you mind awfully if I just took it off and cooled myself down with this baby oil…”.’

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‘When you’ve quite finished perving off, may we get back to matters in hand?’

‘[mutters]Dammit, I was enjoying that. Okay, shoot.’

‘Observe the aged photo to your right – that is Gilbert Winterbottom and Ancient Alsimharan expert Professor Tina-Patricia Copper – a photo taken for the planned expanded fourth edition of ‘Tales From The Tombs’ that never was. Beside it, an urn…’

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‘Lemme guess… that is the real urn containing Professor Tina-Patricia Copper.’

‘Correct. Brought back from Al Simhara by Gilbert Winterbottom.’

Gilbert Winterbottom? But how? What is it doing here? In the void. Or whatever this is.’

‘The urn is here where it is safe. Winterbottom brought more than his dead colleague’s ashes back without realising it.’

‘Safe? From who? … what? And how the Insert Your Choice Of Favourite Mythical Underworld Here did Copper’s remains get here?’

‘The contents were put here many years ago by one with more understanding of the danger within it than most. Someone who realised how much the contents of the Copper Urn – were dangerous.’

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‘Pardon? A pile of human ash? Dangerous?’

‘How about a pile of human ash infected with unstable dark matter?

‘Uh oh… and let me guess, that certain someone who found out realised how dangerous a raw source of unstable dark matter could be in the wrong hands? But why hide it here?’

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‘If you want to draw attention to something, make the wrong type of people realise it is important, special, valuable – stash it somewhere secure and well protected. A bank, a vault, a museum. If you want to make people ignore it, put it somewhere that doesn’t matter.’

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‘And where exactly is this somewhere I am trapped in?’

‘The basement passages of the Moldy Missives Library, 53 Breech Bend, Midnight Hollow.’

‘Eh?’

‘You mean you haven’t spotted the LLAMA box behind you? The only one in town that hasn’t been tampered with like all the others. If it wasn’t still working, you’ve have been stuck in the LLAMA network until they repaired it – if they repaired it.’

‘You mean I’m…’

‘No, you’re not in the void, you’re still in this world – for now.’

‘Derp?’

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‘You have not merely derped. You have as they say herped the derpy derp. Black Rabbit of Inlé indeed!’

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‘Okay, okay, at least I didn’t think you were Sutekh the Destroyer.’

‘Knowing you I’m surprised you didn’t think I was Sooty the Glove Puppet.’

‘Hrrumph! Lemme guess, you’re either Donkey from Shrek‘s gone for a Spiderman type makeover – or you’re the spirit of the LLAMA, its anthromorphical personification.’

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‘More than that… but for now the second one will do. The important part is that matters have gone further than even Elphaba can control.’

‘You know Elphaba?’

‘We… I … were once at one with her for a time …’

‘Wait a minute… you’re the spirit of the Void? Of all Dark Matter?’

‘Of all Dark Matter in this universal dimension … in a manner of speaking, yes. I have other personifications in other planes… some happening at the same time as we speak right now….’

‘Uhhhh, but how is that possible?’

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‘Don’t you remember what Elphaba said? Age, time, death, none of those have any meaning in my plane.’

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‘Oh yeah, now I remember. So this end-of-life-the-universe-and-everything stuff you’re talking about, has this anything to do with disruption to your plane?’

‘Anything? Everything! The LLAMA network has been tampered with so every time it is used, it is producing unstable Dark Matter – an unforeseen consequence by the ones who meddled with it –  and the more it is used, the greater the instability.’

‘Which as some bumnugget’s using it to churn out Daleks and whatever else, leaves an ever increasing problem to solve with an ever decreasing time to do it in – right?’

‘Already it has created a chain reaction in the dark fabric of this dimension – it is slow, but – yes  – the more it is used in its corrupted state, the more it acts as a catalyst.’

‘You know, there’s almost a hilarious irony to all this. Misuse the LLAMA network to send deadly Daleks into the world, and even if they succeed they’re not going to live long enough to enjoy their conquest.’

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‘It does not have to be that way.’

‘I’ve no intention of letting them – I paid §50 for a Deady Bear plushy and I’m not going to die before getting my money’s worth. I’ve already thought of a way to shut down the LLAMA network…’

‘You need to do more than that. You need to reverse the decay in the Dark Matter, and then stabilise the scar in the breech you were partly responsible for creating when you nuked Twinbrook – for that is where the decaying Dark Matter is converging and splitting open.’

‘But how do I…’

‘… NOW GO!

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‘[mutters]SassafrassarassumBlackLlamabumnugget! How do I reverse and stabilise the scar in the effing breech when Twallan’s being held over in Niua Simoa by King Henry Tapuwhai of the Pasimfic Empire? How many other world expert Dark Matter engineers does it think are lying around? Anyway, if I’m going back outside on my own without back-up, I’d better get on some sort of disguise, but what?…’

Meanwhile, around the back of Victoria’s Victorian Home across from the Commonweath Court in the centre of town, the Racket Family are finding out their safe house isn’t quite so safe…

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‘What the hell’s going on, Chyla? Why’s there explosions all over town?’

‘As I promised, everything is going according to plan.’

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Plan? You said nothing about waking up the whole goddamn neighbourhood! You told us it was the Commonwealth Court that was gonna explode at midnight when Mayor Zhivan Karst took his seat at guest of honour at the banquet. You’re supposed to be in the building right now posing as one of the caterers!’

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‘Oh! Did I? Most sorry, I forgot to mention – there has been a slight change of plan.’

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‘What d’ya mean? We warned you, any sign of a double cross and…’

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‘And you’ll do what, oh sweet and succulent granny Marigold? Tell the police? Have you forgotten you helped me to put the town’s entire communication networks out of action, including that of the military…’

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‘The military? You said it was only the cops networks we’d be blacking out? Why did you want the military’s to be also…’

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‘Hahahahahah – it never occurred to you Silver or any of the rest of you to check exactly what frequencies my boxes were jamming? Nor did you find it odd that I was asking you to put the jamming devices on the LLAMA boxes which run on magical power, not radio waves? Magical power which interferes with radio and all other conventional forms of power… the last place anyone would put a telecommunications scrambling device! Not as clever as you Rackets like to think you are, are you?’

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‘I should have known not to trust a no good Science fink! Come on family, let’s put little Miss Snidy Sneaky in the ground.’

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‘It is you who will be going into the ground – or my oven in the case of you, Marigold! Nothing can stop us now – every LLAMA box is under our control, more and more of our special Daleks are coming through, and by the time the Moonlight Falls military act it will be too late! Soon the Magical Unicorn will begin her noble work to cleanse the world of all whom have defied her!’

Daleks? Are you insane?’

‘Not insane. Practical. Completely obedient, innovative and without mercy – the perfect servant. Once we have taken Moonlight Falls, we’ll build our forces and take one city at a time. They daren’t nuke us as happened in Twinbrook, they’ll be convinced Aarin will be recommencing her Dark Matter experiments again and won’t want to risk destabilising the Twinbrook Scar any further.’

‘The what?’

‘Beyond your meagre comprehension. All you need to know is that you and your worthless family are going to die… you know I never did like that Victoria’s Victorian House, what say you that we burn it to the ground with the rest of your family inside – DALEKS, DO YOUR DUTY!’

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PART THIRTY EIGHT TO FOLLOW!

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