Raiders Of The Lost Island Consignment Shop – Part 40

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Just behind the Moonlight Falls Square…

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‘...still alive? The snow… it’s gone … where? … how? … R’hllor?

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‘Oh… oh no … no! … not one of you! …’

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‘Kid… what the plumbob are you doing lying about on the ground down there – eating worms?’

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‘Oh no, another Red Priestess! Leave me alone! You’ve got what you wanted, the snow’s melted,  don’t throw me back on the bonfire!’

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‘Snow? Throw you back on the bonfire? Kid,  do I look like Jarsie9 to you? And Priestess? Sheesh! All I’ve done is look in a couple of magic books for shiz and giggles – you’re as bad as my mum!’

‘You’re wearing a red robe! You’re a red priestess!’

Don’t you recognise Little Red Sodding Riding Hood when you see her? Yeah, I know, sans basket of goodies, it’s a long story… [mutters] aurgh, buttwings – I knew it was a mistake picking this disguise!’

‘Keep away from me!’

‘Listen, you can’t go lying around here right now, it’s not safe with Daleks and who knows what else running about – it’s certainly not going to do that face eczema of yours any good, jeez kid don’t they stock Modrazone where you come from – and if it’s that old washing it in the morning dew old wives tale you’re wanting to try out you need to come back out at six in the morning – here, let me give you a hand up…’

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‘Ow! Don’t shove me like that, take a ritalin you headcase – hey, don’t run off, I wasn’t meaning to be offensive … look …. Oi! Rubber face, come back here! You won’t survive on your own – come back!’

Meanwhile, back at the House That Grant Built…

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‘Augh! Piper, that hurts!’

‘Just hang on, Lia, we’ve got to get you up gently. If you’ve broken anything, we’ll have to wait for an ambulance.’

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‘Grit your teeth Lia and let Piper get her arms under you to give you support when we lift you to the couch.’

‘It hurts when I move Kim, and it hurts when I don’t!’

‘Gordon, see if you can lift her lower truck somehow so I can get my arms underneath as well. If she’s burst her back landing on the oak floor, it’s going to take all three of us to make sure we’re not doing her any extra damage.’

Arrrrgh, look look look – just leave me, I’ll be alright, oh where’s my Liam?’


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‘Enjoying ourselves are we?’

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‘Mother of pearl, we’ve come back after barely escaping with our lives, and what do we find?’

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‘It’s always the quiet ones, Abe, isn’t it? Miss Butter Wouldn’t Melt In Her Mouth Lia Sims – just goes to show – I mean you look at that one who was Olive from On The Buses, and she turned out to be a…’

‘Em, thank you Doctor, and please stop calling me Abe!

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‘Huh, you two haven’t been around much – geek girls are always the worst! Nothing good on the telly was there, kids? Couldn’t you have at least whiled away the hours with one of your fifty billion DVD box sets you’ve got there – I mean come on, you must have just about everything there’s ever been – Harry Potter, Star Wars, Frozen, Gilmore Girls, Wallace and Gromit, Friends, Game Of Thrones, The Walking Dead, Breaking Bad, The Worst Witch, Hannibal…and let’s not start on all the console games you’ve got!’

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‘Er Clara, can I ask you something – how have you managed to completely change outfits since we ran away from the hospital?’

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‘Well I figured a red top and heels wasn’t the best outfit for a quick getaway, and when I started to hear all those explosions, I stopped behind a tree and did my Wonder Woman thing – or The Mask if you prefer – into something more practical.’

‘Oh yeah, I like it! It’s so you!’

***Giggles*** Feminine, and yet offering the practical manoeuvrability required to deliver to someone in the pods – that’s what I love most about this dimension in Time and Space, Doctor, the ability to do a quick change of wardrobe!’

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‘That’s all I need. These two to start their Sharkloverplayer and Hannah routine again!’


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‘At least Lia’s back isn’t bust – just badly bruised according to the Doctor’s sonic screwdriver.’

‘And we know those two kids with the wands can’t kill anyone by saying abracadabra…’

‘It was Avada Kedavra they said…’

‘That wouldn’t have killed anyone anyway. ‘

‘What do you mean Zhivan?’

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‘Oh, a matter of minor academic interest some years ago. I suppose every Simmie some time in their life has done the same as I – come to Moonlight Falls to dabble in magic, and left disappointed. That’s why this is the old truly supernatural town left. Magic really is a bit like gas lamps, water wheels and airships – it can’t compete with modern scientific technology.’

‘You’ve still not explained why that spell didn’t kill me.’

‘Not much really to explain, Kia. The Simming world has a completely different sort of magical field to that found anywhere else in the known universe, so I was once told – quite unique in its own way. All those sorts of types of magic that are supposed to exist elsewhere, all those spells and stuff simply won’t work here. Sure, you can point a wand at someone and go hocus-pocus or bibbedi-boppidi-boo, but all you’ll get is a big burst of magical energy like a non-fatal electric shock, it won’t do what you intended it to. Something about the way the supernatural and natural world are more intuned with one another in this sphere than most, but anyway I digress and it’s not solving our immediate problems.’

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‘Oh I don’t know Zhivan, that was quite fascinating. D’you know, that spell they hit me with, that gave me the best orgasm I’ve had in years.’

‘Whoa, Kia, too much information.’

‘Yeah, well for pity’s sake keep that piece of occult knowledge to yourselves – if word ever got around Moonlight Falls there would never be any work done!’

‘Hmmph. That’s about the only good news we’ve had right now. Liam’s missing and ran off plumbob knows where, there’s Dalek death squads appearing all over the place without any sign according to the Doctor’s sonic screwdriver of any sort of mothership or space-time transportational device bringing them here, and all the communication networks are down.’

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‘Don’t you think you three ought to be off out there looking for him? He is one of our leading scientists you know – if he was to fall into the Daleks hands…’

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‘And what do you suggest we do if we run into some of those Daleks, Ms Kent? We’ve nothing to stop them, all communications are down, the military appears to have taken a vacation – and as we’re also ran into a bunch of undead children there could be medical nanobots running about out there converting anyone killed into plumbob knows what.’

‘Well the latter certainly aren’t anything to do with our department’s…’

‘Hey, that’s a point – have you lot been messing around in the laboratories making anything you shouldn’t have been? You do remember the new medical research protocols that Walden95 and Gillie had approved with the Bureau Of Fresh Fields In Natural Science…’

‘With respect Mayor Karst, it was more one of your old friends who was into that sort of business in the town you now preside over.’

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‘Hey everyone, let’s not fight! I’m sure the Doctor has something good to get us out of this – haven’t you, you clever boy?’

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‘Yeah, well that’s just it. The two best options are to go back to the medical and scientific labs – which are cut off to us now by those undead children – or what I think is our only hope right now, get back to the TARDIS, bring it here, and get you lot out to Twinbrook. But it’s parked on the other side of town and we’ll have to go through all manner of nasties. I’m not risking anyone else’s lives – so you lot stay here!’

‘No way, you’re not going alone, how many times do you need to be told that?’

‘Look Clara, Kia, Kim, Piper, Abe and… em, thingy.’

‘It’s Gordon.’

‘And stop calling me ABE!’

‘Look, this is our only chance – unless you lot are expecting the cavalry to come charging through the door right this minute.’

‘It might you know…’

‘Oh Clara, please…’

Well not quite the cavalry, Doctor…

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‘Hey, no need to take the doors off the hinges, grandma!’

‘Just try and stay out of my way. Just try! I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little Doctor, too!’ [to the Doctor] You cursed brat! Look what you’ve done! This dimension is melting! Melting! And it’s all your fault! You and these damn meddling kids – and I’ll make sure each and every one of you pays dearly for it!

Back with Cloverstardropper, she’s finding the night’s turning into a right La Shove Beach down at Moonlight Falls Bay…

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‘For the last time Red Priestess, what land is this and which great House has rule over it?’

‘For the last time, Mr Dressed Like A Seventies Pimp, this land is Moonlight Falls and the great House here which rules is the Commonwealth Court, presided over by the mayor and his elected council.’

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‘You have a horse running this land? What is this, Dothraki territory?’

‘Hecks no, we don’t have street gangs round here. Too many people with wands – if anyone started that Bloods and Crips stuff around here, the locals would fry them! But anyway…’

‘Jon, she’s sporting with us.’

‘Sansa, let me handle this – you thought it was Arya at first!’

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No, no, no, not that sort of Mare, a Mayor, although funny you should mention Mare’s considering…’

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‘I’m warning you now, Wildling, tell us where we are, where the great Lord resides and where we can find food and shelter for the night…’

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***Sigh!*** And for the last time you bunch of buttwings, you’re in Moonlight Falls, and the only great Lord around these parts is Lord Sponge, an advertising logo EA stole from Nasza Klasa!’

‘Lord who?’

‘Look guys, if you’re cosplayers, I really, really don’t have time for any of this, I am one myself, so I really respect that you’re not going to break character, I think your costumes are pretty good whatever the hell you’re supposed to be, and yeah it was a great Spooky Night prank getting your friend to lure me to the beach and you’ve probably got your mates camming it for You Tube later, hah-hah-fooled-me-good, but I’ve really got to be going…’

Cos-play? You mean custom play… hold on…’

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‘… you think…’

‘… the three of us …’

‘ … are mummers?’

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Aiiiiiiiiiiieeee! It’s The Stranger of The Seven! That’s who this is! The black clothes under the red cloak! It’s tormenting us before taking us to everlasting hellfire!’

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Alrightalrightalrightalright! I’ll help! I’ll help! Just stop that infernal Lene Lovich Bird Song screaming. Look, let me take off this stupid cloak off if it convinces you I’m not a stupid red priestess. Holy trollbats, that scream’s going to give me nightmares for weeks, if my eardrums ever stop ringing…’

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‘For once stranger, we’re in agreement – Princess Shireen, please, this isn’t helping.’

‘Look peasant girl, all we want is somewhere to shelter for the night in safety.’

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‘Any more of the peasant girl stuff and you’ll be getting my Converse applied so swift and hard everyone will think you’ve grown a ginger pube moustache! Don’t make me dominate the three of you with my crabbiness – I’m tired, I haven’t drank Sprite in three hours, and you guys are the least of my worries right now – but I’ll get the three of you to safety. Can’t leave you three running around – the night’s dark and full of Trevors.’

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‘Em, don’t you mean “the Night is dark and full of Terrors?”

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‘No, full of Trevors – didn’t you see Trevor Phillips when I was chasing after you just as we passed the water tower?’

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‘He came charging out from nowhere in ripped t-shirt and underpants, out of his mind on some illegal substance or another, waving a Uzi sub-machine gun and a King Kong Vibrator in a threatening manner, demanding to know where he was and if this was another government conspiracy he was going to kill every redneck, gangster, hipster or grunt that got in his way.’

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‘There wasn’t any time to think, he might have shot the both of us dead at any second, so I kneed him in the guts and gave the smelly old balding dude a Melvin he’ll not forget in a hurry.’

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‘Princess Shireen, is any of this true? I can’t understand any of this?’

‘Ugh, my head hurts Jon – I need to see a Maester…’

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‘Hey, wait a… Meep! Eep! Beep! This is glorious! How long’s that ship been out there?’

‘Um, it’s been here as long as we’ve been here…’

‘… which is?’

‘…I don’t know … why, do you know whose ship it is? Could it get us out of here?’

‘Not that one – that’s the Hogan’s Deep Sea Diner of Captain Moryrie, Reesaroo and JKTee511 the Parrot! Would recognise it anywhere – how many pirate ships are there with fairy lights and flying the Skull and Crossed Bananas? Might have known some of Aarin’s old loonies would be here tonight doing some Winterbottom code chasing … anyway, that’s not the point, this is all starting to make insane sense!

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‘It is?’

‘Trevor Phillips? He’s a bloody Grand Theft Auto Five video game character – how the hell could he be appearing here like Anne Frank, unless … you lot don’t remember how you got here, do you?’


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‘I’ll tell you how… there’s a LLAMA transportation box just along this beach next to the toilets!’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Listen, just trust me on this – right now this is all going to be right over your heads. But I remember ages ago being told that LLAMA box on La Shove Beach was the worst of the lot for breaking down because it was so close to the sea – the sea salt or something interfering with the workings, so sometimes people were being dumped off rematerialised near to the box or along the lines between two boxes in the middle of nowhere…

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like you Shireen! That girl I met earlier on who thinks she’s Anne Frank was right – that’s how you lot whoever the hell you are arrived here and are still arriving here without explanation like Strawberry Rotten said … you’re all being created through the LLAMA network, just like the Daleks are! Not by – through! Someone’s turned the whole damn thing into a production line for chaos and malice.’

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‘I need to go and check out that box … hey wait a minute? What the heck is that over there? An aircraft hanger? You lot stay here whilst I check this out…’

‘What, hang on, no chance – where you go, we go!’

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‘L-L-Look, I can fight if I have to. We won’t hold you back. Y-you might need having some others with you.’

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‘Sorry, but I’m a loner – I’m at my best when I pick and choose where and when I have to work with others, and this is one of those times when I can’t afford any tagalongs.’

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‘… I see a Not So Routine Machine… out in the middle of nowhere by the sea … funny place to drop a highly expensive of equipment… ‘

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‘ … and if I am right …’

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‘… there’s someone not so routine about to emerge from it… ‘

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‘ … who I’ve got less than an hour to persuade to stop this madness, before she ends up destroying all of us – including herself!’


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