Raiders Of The Lost Island Consignment Shop – Part 42

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Last time out, Cloverstardropper, Aarin and Chyla (along with Jon Snow, Sansa Stark and Princess Shireen Baratheon…) had discovered they had twelve hours to somehow stop the entire Simmerverse from being destroyed from dark matter leaks.

No pressure there then.

Elsewhere, back at the House That Grant Built…

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‘I warned you time after time that you’re meddling in Simming affairs  – and exposing them to technologies they weren’t ready to handle would end in disaster! All those interventions in Simming affairs before and after they’d discovered science: didn’t you stop to think for a minute they’d try to copy what you’d shown could be done? Well thanks to you, this dimension’s sand timer is counting down to oblivion!’

‘Wait… what?’

Dark matter, bozo! Tonnes of it, pouring out into this dimension and no way of stopping it! That’s why you’ve got those weatherstones popping up from all over the place where the rifts are created, leaking more dark matter out. Ever since those idiots Aarin, Twallan and the Simgurus started messing around with dark matter laboratory experiments, the stuff’s pouring through a thousand leaks they’ve created – and now you’ve got even more being pulled in attracted by the positive dark matter those damned doctored LLAMA boxes are spewing every time they’re used!’

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‘Eh, hang on, hang on, hang on Elphaba – that’s hardly any of my fault…’

‘Yes it is! This is all the result of everywhere you go, you can’t help but jump into the centre of matters and start meddling and giving clever people ideas about technology their civilisation’s not mature enough yet to handle! You’re as bad as the Monk or that bloody Romanadvoratrelundar if you’d only admit it!’

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‘Now hang on a minute!’

‘You Time Lords and Ladies been exercising your enormous egos through time and space without a damn for the consequences of the chaos in the dimensions you leave behind over time: oh look primitive beings at my blue box which travels through time and space, it’s bigger on the inside! Look at my sonic screwdriver that makes all sort of magical things happen – ever wondered where in medieval times they got the idea for wands from? Everywhere you go, you can’t wait for a chance to go whipping that out and waving it around, especially if there’s any women around – hey ladies, you make both of my hearts skip a beat – look at my huge thick twelve inch dick extension, it’s got a large bulbous glowing end for opening up your Pandorica – there’s a reason they call it a screwdriver you know…

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‘I don’t need to answer to you or anyone else about what I have done – I’ve learned to live with it, the good and the bad, and overall I’m proud that most of what I’ve done has been for the best. People, whole races, civilisations have survived and thrived because of what I did to stop others from enslaving or exterminating them for all manner of reasons – people like you Elphaba, or have you forgotten what you got up to in Oz…’

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‘I imposed my laws and my justice in my own jurisdiction of the Vinkus in accordance with its laws and accepted customs – nowhere else! Did I go and invade other parts of Oz like the Nome King or Mombi of the Gillikins did? No! The only thing I ever did that was considered wrong in Oz was giving animals equal rights within the Vinkus – for which I make no apology now or ever… ‘

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‘Yes, but you tried to impose it on everyone else in Oz when you were at Shiz University…’

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‘And learned my lessons there in more ways than one – more than you ever did at Gallifrey or since! We change, we make mistakes, we learn from them. That’s what life’s about: we don’t go crashing around space like Time Bulls in Time China shops believing because we always win that means we’re always right!’

‘That still doesn’t excuse…’

‘I imposed my mistakes and morality in a single country within a larger one in a single dimension and stayed to make sure it worked or changed it if it didn’t. You and your kind imposed your ethics, your idea or right and wrong everywhere you damn well went in time and space before leaving it for everyone else to deal with the consequences. I wonder how morally we stack up against one another?’

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‘Um, excuse me people, I don’t mean to be rude – but haven’t we got some much bigger worries right now than philosophical bickering over what each other said or did? Mind you, she’s right about the way you’re always whipping out that sonic screwdriver in front of any vaguey attractive woman, Mr Penis Extention Man.’

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‘No wait a moment, Clara, what was that the Wicked Witch of the West was saying about the Simgurus messing around with dark matter laboratory experiments? You told me Kim Kent that wasn’t happening! Am we to learn now that the protocols agreed between the Bureau Of Fresh Fields In Natural Science and the Council of the United Nations of the Sims, which Walden95 and Gillie witnessed, are already being broken by your Simguru paymasters?

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‘Doctor, Elphaba, I really think now is not the time for squabbling with one another. We need to get over to the Bloom Institute in order to get contact with the outside world to send help. Due to the sensitive nature of the work being carried out, there is a special emergency signalling channel which will not have been blocked by whoever or whatever is responsible for tonight’s events.’

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‘Now? You are telling us this now? Then why didn’t you…’

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‘As I said, it is a secret channel, and I really hoped it would not have to come to having to use it – but such is the emergency I suppose we have no other choice.’

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‘There you are Zhivan, everything is going to work out just fine.’

‘That still doesn’t answer my question about…’

‘Zhivan, please let’s not make a fuss.’

Excuse me, Kia?’

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[whispered] ‘ You heard what Kia said – now be a good boy and stop making a fuss. Oh by the way, both Kim and I are packing advanced pocket laser weapons which will disintegrate you and all your friends in an instant if you utter another word between now and us all going back over to the Bloom Institute – I hope I’ve made myself very clear…’

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For the first time, Zhivan realised he and his friends had walked straight into a trap...

Meanwhile, in the Commonwealth Court clock tower, two of his old acquaintances was in much the same boat, whilst wishing they were back on their pirate ship the Hogan’s Deep Sea Diner…

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‘Vigmed, it be! I wondered where you’d slithered off to, you lousy bilge sucking double-crossing son of a biscuit eater!’

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‘Better a biscuit eater than a granny eater! Seems quite tidy that I will be rid of so many of you tonight, and all thanks to your own respective greeds – which ironically enough are going to make me very, very rich indeed.’

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Granny Eater? Have you forgotten that you were one of us?’

‘I was never one of you, idiot! I stuck around long enough to get the gist of how many Aarin had left in her ranks before getting out and reporting back to the SiManiacs and the Simgurus.’

‘And the Mares as well, so we heard, to save your own skin!’

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‘The Mares? Gimme a break, don’t tell me you two losers still believe they exist! They dwelled only in the Hands On Neck Syndrome addled parts of your paranoid minds – that’s what made you all so easy to take out.’

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‘It was only the traitors like you, Berrypie, Pollysim and Tygercat that made it possible for us to fail, for our Magical Unicorn to decide we weren’t good enough for her and leave us adrift!’

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‘Get real Moryrie! Everyone played on your convictions everyone was scheming and plotting as much as you fools to put a stop to you. We SiManiacs, the Simgurus, the Comrades, the World Explorers, the Taffers, even the Berry Sweets… everyone. When you start living by conspiracy theory, you end up trusting no one, not even one another. The slightest dissention, the slightest misgivings, and you were seeing fifth columnists in every shadow and only too happy to sell each other out or cut and run to save yourselves. You didn’t need any outside intervention to destroy yourselves.’

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‘But that is by the by, and all rather boring. What I want to talk about is your current visit to Loserville, much more amusing from my perspective. You may have noticed a large number of canisters and explosive devices are being kept up here. Shall I explain that they are for? Oh, do indulge me – the temporary continuation of your lives rests solely on how much longer you are of entertainment to me, you see…’

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‘Since you are so clearly bursting to tell someone what a clever boy you’ve been, we suppose you may as well do so.’

‘First Mate Reesaroo, this be mutiny!’

‘Shut up, Moryrie, you’ve got us into enough trouble.’

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‘Thank you Reesaroo… seems almost a shame it should all have to end like this, but… whatever. Now, as you may have noticed or not this evening, all the LLAMA boxes in Moonlight Falls have been going haywire. This is because I tampered with the boxes under the instructions of your old boss Aarin: all part of her latest great plan to take over the world.’

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Aarin? You’ve been working for Aarin?’

‘So she thought. Believed my story that I had always been loyal, but unlike her other minions had merely been gathering information and biding the time when to pass it on to the utmost effect. She was pleased, especially as I had some extra information on the Simgurus to sweeten the pot, and so took me into her secret confidence over her plans to destroy every city with a Dark Matter facility and reinfect the world with a stronger version of HONS. What she did not know was I decided to tamper with the boxes a little more, so whatever weaponry or armed minions she tried to project through would get mixed up with the data from the Project Olympus secret experiments in the local Bloom Institute.’

Project Olympus?

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‘Ah, some crazy ass idea only idiots like the Simgurus and your old boss would have cranked up as a good idea. Some method of being able to create perfect Simmies as part of the evolution of our world into something they considered better, using computer technology to generate flawless creations in every physical detail and trait, at any age desired. They’ve got this big old laser type thing working on this Olympus stuff in the basement of the Bloom Institute – sort of like a biological 3-D printer, all hush-hush, but I know for a fact that Liam O’Dourke, Kim Kent and Piper Hipp are up to their necks in it – Grant Rodiek’s pet lab rats.’

‘We’d heard rumours about Aarin’s Project Lazarus out in Twinbrook. Is there a connection.’

‘Oh you know the Simgurus – forever copying what Aarin had learned and trying to pass it off as their own original research once she was out of the picture. Seems kids on the Simternet hacked into their computers however ages ago, which caught the attention of Aarin out in Lunar Lakes via her pet toad Chyla. She in turn discovered that the science which governs those transmat devices rich Simmies like to have in their homes is not that far removed from those LLAMA boxes running on magic. Aarin copied and tinkered with what the Simgurus were doing to produce a device which could translate computer binary code transmitted over a broadband network into something which a magically powered LLAMA device would be able to translate and create.’

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‘Is there something remotely interesting in all this, or are you hoping to bore us to death to save bullets?’

‘You really are the dumbest heap of turd this side of a Comrade! Magic is mainly what we know as dark matter, except only the naturally occuring variety in a stabilised form, same as you get naturally occuring radiation. Being able to work with dark matter, and control it, has been the dream of every geek, general and government mandarin for a decade. If someone could make it possible to make ordinary wireless broadband lines transfer people from city to city via dark matter, it would revolutionise Simming transport forever. If Aarin could get those LLAMA boxes in Moonlight Falls to spit out anything she wanted all the way from Lunar Lakes, with no danger of anyone disappearing or turning into a Tragic Clown, a whole new era of possibilities would be opened – no longer would transmat devices have limited ranges within city or island boundries. You could travel to Al-Simhara as quickly as to down the shops. The inventor would be rich beyond their wildest dreams.’

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‘So that’s why you were so interested in working with Aarin again. You saw the commercial interest in what she was doing.’

Very good, Reesaroo. Moreover, Aarin did not see it: all her HONS riddled brain saw was a way of getting at first an army of undead minions teleported, but later some stupid doctored pumpkins sneaked into the Simming world without detection until it was too late. I played along, and I persuaded her to keep it all secret from Chyla – since she was knocking around with the Rackets – but I found a way to hack into what Aarin was doing to make it create some of those test Simmies the Simgurus were creating plans for in their Bloom Institute, so I would know for sure that the technology worked. The beauty of it was with the LLAMA boxes spitting them out, no one knew what was going on but me.’

‘You couldn’t have been doing this all by yourself. You had Evil One over in Champs Les Sims, so you must have had someone helping you here.’

‘Strawberry Rotten, since you ask. Simply a paid hireling to keep an eye on things, nothing else – she like the others was not party to my plans.’

Strawberry Rotten? I bet Evil One would had been delighted to know you had her on your payroll as well considering what happened out on Sleeping Dragon.’

‘She like Strawberry was told on a need-to-know basis. She told me O’Dourke and his drippy girlfriend Lia were starting to crack over what they were doing at the Bloom Institute, they must have realised that somehow the prototypes they were creating on computer were somehow being created elsewhere, and were worried how long before the whole story became public domain. From my perspective, this was useful – I needed them to get scared, to do something or talk to someone like the local cops in a manner which would appear incriminating to themselves later.’

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‘Events however played into my hands better than I dreamed – Aarin pencilled in her attack for Halloween, and you two decided to arrive to retrieve the Winterbottom Code the same day by boat. Great Jazzhanders think alike, eh – both reckoning everyone would be too busy with Spooky Day festivities to notice you lot creeping around? Am I right? Of course I’m right!

‘Unfortunately I couldn’t find a way to switch back off what I started: they changed all the Bloom Institute network passwords last week, so I couldn’t stop it continuing to spit out random people at night like those Hogwarts kids you saw, but I did enough to ensure whatever Aarin tried to send through in the future would automatically merge with that of one of Aikea-Guinea’s attempts to recreate the Daleks. Aarin remained however blissfully unaware – and I think also those working for the Bloom Institute. They heard rumours of mysterious strangers in town, but you know… supernatural town, superstitious minds…’

‘Except for Liam O’Dourke and Lia Sims.’

‘Yes, and no one ever listened to those two weeds anyway – and now all are powerless to stop this town being destroyed by crazed unstable Daleks.’

‘But why?’

‘Isn’t it obvious? Destroy Moonlight Falls and remove all traces of Aarin’s work, the Bloom Institute of Well Being, destroy the Commonwealth Court… everything – so I become the one to patent and profit from global transportation via dark matter, with the final secrets of Gilbert Winterbottom thrown in as a bonus: as you can see I have already retrieved the parchment detailing where to find his last and greatest treasure, hidden within the pages of the book on the lectern behind you, before you ask… had you bothered to check it, you may have noticed it is a copy of old Gilbert’s The Lost Island Lolita!

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‘So greedy, worthless Gabriel Vigmed gets his sticky fingers on history’s greatest lost treasure…’

‘Oh spare me your false concern for antiquities. You’re just the same as King Henri Tapuwhai, Moryrie… just the same as me, only you’re too proud to admit it. You’re only interested in the money to be made from it too. Didn’t you know by the way that I was behind the publishing company which was responsible for kickstarting this whole Winterbottom Code chase craze again? If you think I’m going to let anyone find the treasure and kill our little publishing goose shitting Simoleons from the gullible, you’re sadly mistaken.’

‘More than Winterbottom’s lost treasure?’

‘There’s a far greater fortune to be made from playing off all the Winterbottom Code chasers, releasing books with ‘theories’ on the matter they’ll rush home with thinking it’ll aid their quest…’

‘And helping evil old despots like King Henri, right? It’s been you, hasn’t it?’

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‘For once, correct. I’ve been stealing items for his Pasimfic Empire related to the code and other matters for some time, same as Evil One, Strawberry Rotten, and all manner of other private enterprise entrepreneurs such as yourself. We’re each of us not that different from Gilbert Winterbottom – when you think about it…’

‘Don’t you dare lump me in with the likes of you, Vigmed! You want to destroy and conceal history for personal gain. Winterbottom may have had the morals of a mercenary, but he would never had destroyed historical artifacts simply to line his pockets: that’s the worst of all crimes!’

‘The worst of all crimes? Oh, please Moryrie! Worse than, say, murder?’

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‘When you destroy history, you murder the millions that went before us: their triumphs, their follies, their creativity… everything that helped shape how each and every society came to be… how we came to be. It is the most treacherous of all contrivances as it betrayed those who have lived, those who do live, and all the lives yet to come…’

‘You disappoint me, Moryrie. I never took you as being that naïve…’

‘If you thought in all seriousness that my interest in Gilbert Winterbottom was the same as that of King Henri, then I guess you never really knew me or any of the rest of the Jazzhanders at all…’

‘I didn’t want to – but who did? Anyway, this is getting boring, so…’

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No wait! Ignore her – you still haven’t told us yet what you’re doing with all those explosives?’

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[Moryrie muttering] ‘Huh? What was that noise?’

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‘Ah yes, slipped my mind – that would have been unforgiveable to kill the both of you without answering your question. I did realise that eventually those who came to put a stop to the Daleks would figure out they were coming through the LLAMA boxes outside – the one you can see in the bell tower is my private one connecting only with one in the local libary and nothing else. Since I want nothing to trace back to me, each one has a large home made bomb from gas and fuel cannisters buried in the base. Any attempt to put the boxes out of action using spells, bullets, rockets or energy weapons will result in a massive explosion – destroying the evidence in a manner which any investigations team afterwards could easily construe as being the result of the Daleks actions.

‘Of course, there will be another one rigged up here to help destroy all these books, manuscripts and other scribbled rubbish of old Gilbert’s – they should make for a poignent and tragic counterpoint when they retrieve your charred mutilated remains from the rubble and conclude you died at the moment you discovered perhaps the secret of the Winterbottom Code… or perhaps not, according to a forthcoming book …’

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Will JKTee511 the Parrot, Moryrie and Reesaroo escape? There’s only one way to find out…


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