YES! OH YES! JOLLY HOCKEY STICKS!
Hockey – that most British of sports, synonymous with British public girls schools, team spirit, playing the game and all those other nauseatingly British traits so worthy of parody as exemplified by Stevie Smith’s famous poem ‘Girls!’:
Girls! Although I am a woman
I always try to appear human
Unlike Mrs So-and-So whose greatest pride
Is to remain always in the VI Form and not let down the side
Do not sell the pass dear, don’t let down the side
That is what this woman said and a lot of balsy stuff beside
(Oh the awful balsy nonsense that this woman cried)
Girls! I will let down the side if I get a chance
And I will sell the pass for a couple of pence
And yet… whilst the men have won the Olympic field hockey three times, the best our women’s team has managed is two bronzes. Two poxy bronzes.
The Aussies and Dutch have won it three times, even the bloody Spanish the bloody Germans and bloody sodding bumnuggety Zimbabwean-Rhodesians (it was the bloody Rhodesian hockey team – every one of the f**kers were white, middle class colonials) have won it, goddamit!
We’re good enough to teach them the beautiful game after civilising them, liberating them, or beating them in massive wars, and the ungrateful arrogant bastards have had the damned gall to be better than us at it!
Beaten by Dagos; Krauts Dykes, Diaries and Cheese Making Swamp-Krauts and the bloody rebel colonies! The ignominy of it all! Bad enough that it happens in the cricket because our players are too fat. Even when HRH Zara Phillips was playing, the Royal Bum in a hockey skirt wasn’t enough to get us a gold in the hockey any more than in the horse riding.
But now… at last… at long bloody last, we have triumphed!
Get it right up you Snooty! Here’s one penalty shoot out we Brits are good in!
And while we’re at it, well done Nick Skelton – equally as stunning a result.
This guy’s been part of the British Olympic equestrian team since 1988 and never got a whiff of the individual gold – and now twenty eight years later – twenty eight freaking years! – one twin broken neck in 2000 and a bloody hip replacement in 2011 later, and against all odds, he and Big Star hand out the whoop ass of a lifetime in the ride off against the reigning Olympic champion from Cuckooclockland.
Finally, just have to mention dear old Valegro – what a performance! Completely owned the Dressage like a boss.
And yeah, well done Charlotte Dujardin as well, we suppose you’d something to do with it!