Lauryl Takes Twinbrook
Published 3rd June 2010 – many thanks to the retailer who sold it to one of our members 24 hours before the ‘official’ release date – up yours EA UK!
‘Ah, at last, allowed back outside the bunker to wander around my own lovely little Lost Island… what the plumbob?!?! ‘
Ah, Lauryl, you’ve appeared at last! We’ve a little job for you – take in this new town and let the great unwashed know what it’s like.
We’ll buy you a shitload of goodies for your home if you do.
‘Ummmmm… how much?’
It’ll make the Goths and the Landgraabs look like welfare cases.
‘I am so cheap!’
And so Lauryl, with no more thought than base material gain on her mind, went off to check out Twinbrook.
But first she insisted that we take her out for brunch.
‘Wow! High class joint – you sure know how to treat a girl.’
Knew you’d be pleased!
‘Mmmm, that yummy smell of half-cooked bacon with tyre-thick rind, chips glistening with fat and sausages so greasy they squeak when you stick your fork into them.’
This is Brunton’s Boxcar Diner – it comes highly recommended.
‘I’ll bet – 10 000 flies can’t be wrong. Anyway, the sooner I’ve finished exploring this dump, the sooner I can get back home. Let’s skip brunch and hopefully I’ll skip a visit to the doctor.’
Oh look, here’s the Castor family.
‘Oh look, here’s me jumping on my trusty getaway moped.’
But Lauryl, don’t you want to get to know some of the townsfolk?
‘That’s right – I don’t!’
‘Ew – why are her eyes pink ?’
‘I’ll give you one guess why one of your eyes will be black in a minute!’
‘Oh, mother, why does that girl smell funny?’
‘It’s called soap and water, bumface!’
Lauryl, you’re supposed to meet and greet the locals, not meet and leave them greetin’ !
‘Listen, when that family fell out of the ugly tree, they hit every branch on the way down. For the love of plumbob, everyone’s got the right to be ugly but that lot are abusing the privilege.’
Okay, they were rude to you, but that’s probably because they’re not used to someone from Lost Island, they’ll be – how can we say it – well-bred.
‘Well bred? In-bred more like it!’
Ever get the feeling this was a bad idea on our part?
Education Education Education
One of the better of the new ideas is the Education Career – Madame Lee ought to ask for a consultancy fee for punting that idea on the EA forum back round about September – although the cynic in us makes us wonder if their decision to add it was in any way influenced by a certain mod adding an Education career in the first place!
The Stylist And Tattoo Parlour
Not far from the Diner, the Stylist is on the ground floor and the tattooist in the basement.
You can also get tattoos here or join the Stylist career, make a living out of turning others into the next fashionista.
‘Weren’t they the ones that ran Italy with that Alexei Sayle lookalike Mussolini?’
No, they were fashista.
‘Well I was ‘oni’ three letters out. How much are one of these stylist make-overs anyway?’
Stylist makeover is only §175 simoleons.
‘Whaaaaaat? For that price, I’d expect not merely a make over, but to get utterly nectared and have a multiple orgasm as well!’
You really have been on Lost Island too long.
‘Oh, pretty lady. I am seeing you with an elegant tattoo on your neck and the small of your back’
‘I’m seeing you with an axe in yours you don’t unsee it PDQ! Who is this bum-nugget anyway?
That’s Alistaire Pine, the tattoo artist.
‘Hrrrrumph! I thought he was Mr Slave to that ponce over there!’
You mean Juan Derar.
‘Yeah, and probably takes Juan up the Derar as well by the look of him! Who’s the other bum-nugget in the flip-flops being charged to have Captain Bottle Tan make his fashion sense even worse than before.’
Lenny Smith-Jones. They actually are very good at making Simmies over.
‘***Cough!*** Silk purses and sow’s ears!’
Well okay, perhaps a few of them need plastic surgery to improve their looks.
‘It’ll take more than plastic surgery. Plastic explosive more like it. I’m outta here!’
‘Would Madame care for a makeover appointment after Sir?’
‘No thanks, the only ducky I make appointments with is the one for my bath!’
Er, Lauryl, let’s go somewhere else before the lynch mob arrives.
‘Not before I leave them with a little makeover of my own.’
Er, Lauryl, what are you doing with that spanner, those wires, and that large lump of what looks like plasticine but we’ve a horrible feeling isn’t?
‘Oh, it’s just a little something to keep the Twinbrook fire brigade in business. Oh, and the interior designers, the private investigators, the doctors… you know how important it is to keep the locals in work. It’ll go off the moment they switch the CD player on.’
Lauryl! You’ve only been here five minutes and…
‘Did I mention the CD that’s in the drive is L*** G**a?’
You sure that’s all the explosive you have on you? You didn’t miss a bit?
‘Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, Grub.’
The Firefighter’s career comes with a rather swanky fire station with all mod cons inside (including beds, kitchen, games etc), even a telescope to look for shooting stars with.
The Launderette (via the Red Rendezvous)
After that we thought it best to make sure she had all the evidence washed off!
On her way she passed the local theatre (it does plays – cinema clearly hasn’t reached Twinbrook yet), and then popped into the Red Rendezvous.
‘Um, what’s this place?’
The Red Rendezvous – the local bar for Simmies to meet up, hang out and have fun.
‘Why does it have a sign that looks like a coquettish crocodile.’
There are some things it’s best never to ask the locals.
Over at the bar, Lauryl didn’t notice that Marshall Curious was watching her through the mirrored glass…
The Red Rendezvous is an expansion and marked improvement on the idea of Riverview’s Juice Bar.
It contains bar football tables, a stereo and sort of dance floor, a monster HD TV, even a bookshelf. More important, with everyone drinking themselves silly, there are plenty of toilets downstairs, whilst there’s two empty floors upstairs that can be utilised for other things you can create yourself.
Situated next door to the obligatory Little Corsican Bistro (is this some sort of franchise they have in The Sims 3?) and across the road from the theatre, this is one of the best parts of Twinbrook for your Simmies.
Although strangely enough, the destination Lauryl is going to is also a popular socialisation spot for Simmies – but we decided to let her find that out for herself!
♫Rub-a-dub-a-dub-dub, we wash and scrub, give us your laundry!♪
‘Er, why are all the washing machines saying Figwit?’
It’s a design fault combined with us never being happier than when we’re milking an old joke to death – any more stupid questions?
‘Yeah, why do they all cost different?’
Better tubs, better wash, less chance of a disaster.
Uh oh, looks like you’ve met one of your fans!
‘You’re Lauryl Park-West! Oh, I love your books! I must have read Blind In Safety And Leafy In Love a hundred times!’
Okay Lauryl, you win – they are a shower of morons after all!
One drawback is that for someone like Lauryl who makes her money from books and selling fruit, veg and fish is that she’s going to have to register as self-employed and gain a work permit.
‘Why do we need a work permit now when we didn’t need to before?’
No idea. Perhaps to stop migrants taking jobs that locals could?
‘Migrants? They probably have to send out press gangs to other towns to get people to live in this dump!’
Speaking of Dumps
So what do you think of the junkyard so far?
‘Rubbish! What am I supposed to be digging for anyway in this lazy port of the archaeologist’s dig site in World Adventures ?’
If you’re a sculptor or an inventor you can find all sorts of useful things.
‘Like this, for instance? Will be very useful for what I’ve got in mind for you lot when I get back to Lost Island! This place sums most of this town up.’
To be honest, she has a bit of a point.
The Northern reaches of Twinbrook, particularly along the coastline, are a bit of a dump, looking more like scenes from Far Cry/Crysis/Far Cry 2 with some swampy looking marshlands with a permanent haze over them.
There’s also a lot of signs of post-industrial desolation – and somehow it doesn’t feel right in an EA bundled Sims world.
It says it all that they made the graveyard look one of the town’s prettiest spots (which to be fair, it is).
But many of the graves are marked with only ‘Remains’ – another port from World Adventures.
We’re guessing that these are meant to be deliberately spooky looking for all the Scooby Doo/Nancy Drew stuff the private investigator career requires – but for anyone else, it’s a bit dispiriting.
There are however a number of stand out features in the new town well worth mentioning. There’s a wonderful large outdoor pool, and next door to it another of the great ideas from Riverview – the Community Garden – has been expanded and improved (like the Juice Bar, undoubtedly as a result of seeing people porting larger ones of their own around the interwebs!)
Overall it is pretty obvious that Twinbrook is geared specifically towards the new professions of firefighter, ghost hunter (you need to go to the science lab to join this – surely the graveyard would have been more apt?), doctor, investigator, interior designer (altogether now, ‘Llewellyn-Bowen, the two Caroles – come on Bobby, both barrels!’), stylist, inventor and sculptor, and the whole self-employed needing a work permit bit seems unneccessary nonsense.
The Consignment Store
Lauryl then decided to try her luck in the local Consignment Store, where 2nd hand goods between Simmies can be bought and sold – and of course is the place the local villains can sell on their ill-gotten gains.
Sofia Carlton is the proprietor – most reckon she’ll die the same way she lived, ie. from falling off the back of a lorry.
‘Er, suppose some of those clothes would be good for gardening.’
Rather than getting your ever-so-stylish (cough, splutter!) hoodie mucky?
‘No, I was thinking more of burying them – some of the stubborn understains would make excellent fertiliser.’
It’s probably the stubborn understains that’s holding the clothes together.
‘Good morning Ms Fruitcake – is there anything amongst this tasteless junk worth buying?’
Lauryl, for the love of plumbob…
Hang on, seems she found you funny – looks like you’re making a friend…
Will you enjoy Ambitions? Certainly.
Will you enjoy Twinbrook? We’d say so, if you are willing to put behind the fact that it’s certainly no Sunset Valley or Riverview, and many of the local Simmies we encountered look like extras from Deliverence.