Mikezumi’s Wardrobe Malfunctioning Manwiches

Posted in Uncategorized on December 4, 2017 by themaresnest

Another day, another episode of the Koogar Of Oz’s story ‘The Watcher’s Caretaker’ aka ‘The Malfunctioning Wardrobes’ for reasons which will soon become apparent.

‘Dad,’ Beckah said, ‘why must you flash your nipples at breakfast?’

‘Meh!’ her dad replied, ‘because I’m so freakin’ hawt and what’s the point of having so many huge windows if the neighbours can’t have a gander at my chest nuts?’

‘You catch twice as many fish if you’re flashing your chest berries at the same time – that’s scientific fact!’

‘I say Jared old boy, your nosh nozzles are looking frightfully perky today!’

‘Why thank you, Jensen! I always rub them down with a solution of sugar soap and Viagra first thing in the morning to keep my rug rivets standing to attention.’


Speaking of showers, we think Mikezumi could be doing with a cold one in the not too distant future!


MadameLee’s Blockbuster Moment (Or Has She Had Her Chips?)

Posted in Uncategorized on December 3, 2017 by themaresnest

Yep, she and her family are at it again:

Starring Meatloaf, with a corset in the supporting role.

What? Haven’t you heard about MadameLee’s epic movie?


Another Lightning Flash Moment For The Simgurus

Posted in Uncategorized on December 2, 2017 by themaresnest

You may remember the following post from Sanriel85 about EA’s ideosyncratic pricing on the interwebs.

One week later:

Yes, good to see the Simgurus keeping on top of matters as ever.


Raiders Of The Lost Island Consignment Shop – Part 45

Posted in Raiders Of The Lost Island Consignment Shop, Uncategorized on December 1, 2017 by themaresnest

‘Haven’t you been paying attention? … someone or something else is thinning out the Daleks…’

Here’s where you find out – plus someone you’ve not saw since Part 30!

Four AM in the morning, carried away by a Midnight Hollow…

‘So it has come to this.’

‘Hunted without rest by these automatons for hours. No matter where I go, no matter how many I destroy, still they come.’

‘The Pepper Grinder broken, the Catnip Teapot Cannon near spent. I prayed for better hallucinations, but there are none.

‘Now, trapped. I gyre to no path of escape.’

‘I’m not afraid to die. Times I’ve welcomed death!’

‘No time for mimsy, no time to be frumptious. There is still time for tea, for the last snicker-snacks of the Vorpel Blade.’

‘I do not like the ending to my tale. I do not understand it. But as with tales so with life.

‘So which of you will come forward to end this tale – and their own with it?’

‘Who will it be? This life is full of random death. Come on. WHO WILL IT BE?’

‘The killing machines inside. They are neutralised. But the house. Oh dear.’

‘The owners will have insurance. But what is this?’


‘She asks for death – it makes no sense.’

‘If it makes no sense, it is madness. More of this madness, but from human and machines.’

‘I see what I must do.’

‘No! No! Not the World Sweets Guide! The Aegis System! The Aegis System!’

‘Ah. Better.

‘System lock on all targets, commence target break down and filter.

‘Compile data on most suitable ordinance and deployment method.’

If you have not already guessed, young Ritsu – or to give her full title Ritsu Jiritsu Shikō Kotei Hōdai – is someone who likes to shoot from the hip. Literally.

Her surname, in case you are interested, means ‘Autonomous Intelligence Fixed Artillery’.

No, her father was not Frank Zappa before you ask.

What is she packing?

Eight short range computer guided missiles with infra-red, radio signal and camera visual combined lock.

Four medium range SAM midi-missiles with lookdown-shootdown capability.

Two multi-purpose tactical launchers capable of firing a selection of lethal and non-lethal blast or chemical projectiles accurate to a thousand metres.

One packet of Skittles. Contains blue ones.

‘Ritsu! What are you doing? Have you forgotten what your Kurosensei has taught you?’

‘I … what … how … what am I seeing?’

‘Remember Ritsu, an assassin always takes care not only of their target, but of those around them! No innocent bystanders! No unnecessary damage or trauma! No tardies!’

‘Why… how am I seeing this? Stop it!’

‘I made nine hundred and eighty five modifications to you, silly! You didn’t think I would leave out a background app to monitor you whenever you use weapons to make sure you’ve not forgotten what you were taught in Kunugigaoka Chūgakkō Class 3E – safety first!’

‘But you’re getting in my vision and using my circuitry which could interfere in my calculations!’

‘Relax! Focus on the task in hand. You have all the tools you need to succeed – if you remain diligent!’

‘It’s hard to be dilligent when that stupid World Sweets Guide popped up again without me even asking!’

‘Oh well, that’s Javascript after an update for you!’

‘But have faith in yourself, Ritsu! Have faith in yourself as a trained assassin! Choose your spot and choose your shot – carefully!’


‘You were given all the training required to succeed. Now is your opportunity once more to demonstrate your expertise…

‘Probability of next shot neutralising killing machines is 99.95% …. uh, no, less than 0.001%…. uh, back up to 67.83896694%. Probability of surgically neutralising targets and avoiding unnecessary damage to lives and property is less than 0.0000003%.’

‘… clear your vision of emotion. Focus on what is important…’

‘Like Miss Irina Jelavić awesome perky teaching methods! Ooo hoo hoo! Aaargh! I didn’t mean that to happen!’

‘Now Kurosensei-san do you see why I had reservations about you downloading and remote installing additional software to my systems?’

‘I will refocus on my target … recalculate … I will not fail … uhhhh … ‘


‘Oh dear!’

‘Uhhhhhh … the Infernal Train … will I never be rid of it?’

‘No… not the train … something else. A new torment. Of fire and blood. I have not felt such a shock since Rutledge.’

‘What sort mote it be, and to what end? That burns the automatons and gimbles the green sward, enveloping inward and outward in a tulgey miasmer?’

‘A witch? Come to eat me? Truly my Wonderland has become a Wasteland of such nightmares that they are in competition for my mind…’

‘Don’t move Alice, until I’ve given you the once over – I said don’t move! You’ve a concussion, let it pass first. Ritsu got you, my pretty – and your little teapot too! But she saved your life – plumbob knows how. Let me give you the once over, then try standing up…’

‘What manner of malevolence and benevolence is this?’


Raiders Of The Lost Island Consignment Shop – Part 44

Posted in Raiders Of The Lost Island Consignment Shop on November 30, 2017 by themaresnest

Last time out, Switch-Cloverstardropper and Aarin (with Chyla, Jon Snow, Sansa Stark and Shireen Baratheon in tow) had found themselves thrown together trying to find a way of stopping the massive Dark Matter leaks (along with Aarin’s backfiring Dalek invasion force sabotaged by Vigmed) before it destroyed them all.

‘… and as you join us here again at the ninth, the Everglow Academy & Coliseum, conditions are improving mildly, the wind relenting…’

‘…as Shireen Baratheon steps up, knowing she has to improve on the five it took her to finish the last if she is to have any chance of staying in the match…’

‘She takes the shot… certainly plenty of focus in that stroke…’

‘… the look inscrutible, even knowing how much rests on this, going in at such a tricky angle…’

‘…OH MY WORD, SHE’S DONE IT! Will you look at that, the smashed LLAMA box receiver beacon’s also generated some sort of shock on the three shittily meshed Daleks standing guard over it. Now that’s how you play yourself right back into contention!’

‘Two shots, that’s all it took. After the trials at the eight, she birdies the ninth, and with nine LLAMA boxes now kaput and only seven left in operation, now standing at two under par, she’s well on her way to an astonishing victory which will certainly make up for disappointment last year when her father and his mad priestess fuckrag had her burned to a crisp…’

‘Huh! Talk about sheer dumb luck – or rather Shireen dumb luck!’

Dumb luck? Come on, Aarin, that was a shot in a million.’

‘I’m not talking about the shot, Beetlebrows, I’m talking about the box frying all those Daleks. That means we can at least go and have a look at them properly this time, which we were unable to do at any of the previous ones because it only shocks those in close proximity to the box.’

There? You want us to go over there?’

‘Oh do try and show some spine.’

‘They’re dead, aren’t they? Same as at the other boxes we saw that happen.’

‘We’ll be showing more than spine, but considerable amounts of innards not so gently sautéed if those Daleks aren’t completely dead when we wander within firing range. I’ve never heard of anyone suffer anything more serious than being turned into a Tragic Clown from a malfunctioning LLAMA box, so they may only be temporarily out of action.’

‘My thoughts also, Chyla, so Ms Switch and her friends can go over to check while we stay back her.’

‘Oh no, you’re the science expert, this is your department, you’re coming too.’

‘I am much too important to be risked, if I get killed you will have no chance of reversing the Dark Matter leak.’

‘If you think you two are going anywhere by yourselves any time soon, you are sadly mistaken.’

‘And what do you mean by that?’

‘Listen Great Knit, if you two think I trust you now any more than I did several hours ago when you were ready to flatten the world as part of your latest HONS brained schemes, you really much think I’ve herped the derp. Besides, we’re more at risk if we split up. We stick together until we’ve shut all the boxes and gained access to the Bloom Institute to stabilise all this Dark Matter spewing out – and that’s final!’

‘Haven’t you been paying attention? There’s been less and less Daleks around each box. They’re supposed to be guarded by five, this one only had three. The last one at Bell’s Barbell House didn’t have any – and it still took Findus Crispy Pancake Face five shots to succeed.’

‘So what?’

‘It means someone or something else is thinning out the Daleks. The town should be swarming with them by now being spat out from sixteen boxes, but six hours on and they can’t even defend them. I’ll bet you they’ve been forced to regroup around one box they’ve got a chance of defending successfully because they know if they lose all their spawn points, they’re doomed.’

‘Oh yeah? What realm of military expertise did you come up with that one from? Sun Tzu’s The Art Of War ?’

‘No – from four hundred and sixty five hours and forty five minutes of playing Battlefield 4!

‘Point taken. But you’re coming with me and Shireen, Chyla can babysit the rest.’

‘Huh! More dats like we’ll be ones babysitting her!’

‘Why are you talking like that Jon Snow? Are you trying to impersonate dear dead Ygritte?’

‘No, you twats, I’ve got a trapped sneeze from all this bloody tree pollen!’

‘Two hours. Remember, that’s all we have, so keep your eyes peeled for anything, no matter how innocuous that could be a clue to what they’re up to here.’

‘TadOlson is rather concerned that those microphoned security cameras Vera Blake mentioned earlier will equally be keeping their eyes and ears on Stickykisses, Vera Blake and TadOlson, significantly reducing the time Stickykisses, Vera Blake and TadOlson have for investigating before Stickykisses, Vera Blake and TadOlson are…’

‘Which is why we don’t talk unless we have to and with the greatest economy of words. Now come, forget downstairs, it’s the first floor we want.’

‘TadOlson would like to know why Stickykisses wants TadOlson and Vera Blake to follow Stickykisses in omitting the ground floor.’

‘The only barred windows where anyone had appeared at have been on the top floor, not the ground, which means that’s the only jail cells in operation. Which means they fear escape by tunnelling from within or out. Which means, in turn, they really have a lot to be paranoid about those being kept here. Logic.’

‘Pffft! Boooooring! Me’s going to go exploring with a good book!’

What’s this? The Demon Baby reading? Has she turned over a new leaf (excuse the pun)?

‘Vera! No! Come back… oh never mind. Come TadOlson, we’ve work to do.’

[whispered] ‘But what does Stickykisses want TadOlson to look at?’

‘All of it!’

‘Every notice on every door, every note on every board…’

‘ …the sounds you hear from behind every door…

‘ … but do so like you don’t care. If that means walking back and forth past the same place several times, fine – whatever you do, don’t linger for too long, that’s what will draw attention. Remember this is an educational trip, so we’re supposed to be completely bored!’

‘Hey, you kids okay there?’

‘Oh, erm, yes, it’s all so very ***YAWN!*** fascinating. Wonderful. So glad we came. Really.’

‘Yeah, sure. Whatever.’

[whispers] ‘And that’s how it’s done! Now get weaving!’


‘This Dalek is no more. It has ceased to be. Neither Davros or The Great Pumpkin is going to make it voom again after getting four million volts of LLAMA box power through it. This is an ex-Dalek.’

‘Not much gets past her, does it? She ought to get a job with NRaas Industries!

Oi! Stop breaking the fourth wall!

‘Like I said, Great Knit, I’m not the scientist around here – you are. You ought to be the one coming over here and giving these things a good poke.’

‘You don’t poke Daleks, not unless those ones run on eight bit processors.’

‘Bleh! Wot?’

‘Never mind. Can you smell anything?’

‘Listen, toothpick, you’re the one who eats all that tofu and funny raw fish stuff, if anyone’s been playing the butt bongos around here it’s…’

‘I didn’t mean that, insect! I meant is there any tell tale smell of pumpkin, lightly burned or otherwise?’

‘Erm, no.’


‘What do you mean “Hmmmm”?’

‘When someone says “hmmmm”, it usually means that they mean “hmmmm”.’

‘Thanks. Big help. What are you looking at?’

‘Oh, nothing. Thought I saw something. Mistaken. Try banging sides. No, not your sides, the sides of the Daleks. Hmmmm.’

‘What’s with the “hmmmm” again?’

‘Even from here I thought they sounded hollow – more hollow than a Simguru’s word. Hmmmm…’

‘Don’t hmmmm again! You’re not a bee.’


‘Aurgh! I hope your favourite magazine’s next issue gives you paper cuts.’

‘Uh, excuse me, you both said these mechanical things are controlled by something inside operating them.’

‘Yes. A pumpkin. Don’t ask us to explain that part again – just accept for now that little of this world is gonna cut any dips with you.’

‘I know. But now they don’t work, it sounds like they are empty, and it happened after they were hit by the lightning flashes coming the top of the broken LLAMA box receiver. If that was the energy which makes the boxes transport people and objects from place to place, could it be that it made the Dalek cases act like a temporary LLAMA box and transported only the pumpkins inside to somewhere else?’

No it couldn’t, because… hold on, the Daleks have communication devices inside themselves – hence why they moved away from some of the boxes to regroup… and if I could tamper with the LLAMA network using modified digital equipment, there’s no reason why it couldn’t allow … what do you know, you’re proving my greyscaled friend to be more than some dumsel-in-distress in a puritan dress!’

‘Thanks. I think.’

‘The question is Aarin where did the pumpkins go?’

‘Back to their place of origin. Or are clogging up the network…’

‘… because the major flaw of the LLAMA network is it has no broadband type capacity to cope with multiple data carriage requests over a primitive level.’

‘Which would explain the lack of other Daleks coming through…’

‘That alone wouldn’t cause it, Shireen. But if the local Weather Stone has also been interfering with the LLAMA network tonight, it could have been enough to throw a judiciously timed spanner in the works.’

‘Along with the pumpkins.’

‘Silence, insect!’

Aarin, be nice to rubberface! You make it sound like you believe the Weather Stone has consciousness? ‘

‘When you have exhausted all other logical possibilities, Ms Switch, you have to start turning to new logics.’

‘Oh yeah, and what might that be. Go on, cover me with your awesomesauciness and I’ll tell you if it tastes good enough to go on a hot dog.’

‘[mutters] This is who I’m supposed to work with to save the entire of existence? I could almost get nostalgic for having Sabsyrina and Vintage Lydia back!’

‘Aarin! Nice! Bad Grannyeater – no cookie!’

‘[out loud] Very well! One of those in my expert opinion, which is considerable, is the Weather Stones appearing are this world or even this Simmerverse’s reaction to what we’ve been doing to it – to be breviloquent, trying to protect itself.’

‘Perhaps a power that a certain Winterbottom discovered a very long time ago the hard way during a certain little expedition out to Al-Simhara?

‘Yes, and perhaps paid the price for doing so. That, however, is another topic for another time…’

‘…in the meantime, things for us appear to be looking up.’

‘How? Oh, I see. Literally.’

‘Aarin, Switch, what exactly is a bumnugget.’

‘A word I never thought I would be ever glad to see.’

‘Typical Elphaba – even at a time like this she’s got to get her shiz and giggles! She wouldn’t be playing her hand so openly unless she and whoever she’s managed to round up to help her have got the bad guys on the run.’

‘No time to find out how – let’s round up Chyla, Jon Snow and Sansa Stark: time to keep that appointment with the Bloom Institute.’


Simsophonique’s Silly Statement

Posted in Uncategorized on November 30, 2017 by themaresnest


Igazor decided that tact would be the better part of telling someone of their bumnuggetry.

SimplyJen-Simasaurus09 was more elaborate:

Exactly. There is still custom content being produced, there is still mods even being produced, it is absurd to say the game is ‘dead’.

And as Odonata68 says, a thread currently on two thousand, one hundred and eighteen pages seems to be a fine indication of a game in very rude health indeed.


You’ve Been LOLSimmed – Part 83

Posted in Uncategorized on November 30, 2017 by themaresnest

And in a packed programme tonight, we have:

Adamseve1231 (EA Forum), Gitte2001 (A Simmer’s Sim), Ripuancestor (EA Forum and The Chrysanthemum Tango) and Wibs (Sommelier Sims).