PollySim Takes The Twinbrook Twintub Test

Published 22nd August 2010

It’s Twinbrook, where the dawn has broken on a fine summer’s morning – and what do we find?

It’s PollySim, down in the Community Pool.

Good morning PollySim, you’re up with the lark! This so you can get the pool all to yourself without any noise brats?’

‘Em, sort of?’

Uhhhhh, what that on you?

‘It’s an itsy-bitsy-teenie-weenie yellow polka-dot bikini, that I’ve worn for the first time today…’

Enough of the Timmy Mallett & Bombalurina jokes, we mean those tattoos!

‘They’re not tattoos!’

Oh, so what are they then? Birthmarks?

‘Er, something like that…’

Aaaarrrrggh! She has the Dark Mark! Two of them!

‘Shhhhh, keep the noise down! Aarin had them burned into all of us when we joined Jazz-Hands – and there’s no way of removing them! Why do you think I can only swim here when it’s empty? Most Twinbrookians would freak out if they saw these!’

Most Twinbrookians would freak out if they looked in the mirror!

Shaddup, Lauryl!

So when the Dark Mark on your forearm is pressed, that summons Aarin and the other Jazz-Handers together to plan their latest evildoing?

‘Aye, but everyone pressed theirs for months until they were blue in the face and she never appeared once because she was too busy planning her World Of Warcraft dungeon raids instead!’

No kidding! So what’s that big one across your tummy for?

‘Oh, you know, they always did like naval gazing, didn’t they?’

You’re being evasive! Let’s guess – it’s an emergency communication between the Granny Eaters and if you press your belly button another of them must come to your aid?

‘Em, no – it demilitarises the oceans and increases the Ozone layer.’

Strange and fiendish indeed are the plots from those at Jazz-Hands!

‘It’s not funny! I can’t wear anything short sleeved or low cut, & every time I see a granny I want to eat her liver with a nice Chianti!’

Sounds like these Dark Marks are cramping your style.

‘Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!’

That bad, eh?

‘No, it’s the thought that I’m going to have to waste half the day in the launderette because Twinbrook’s hard water and the crappy soap powder in the store means I have to wash everything four times to try and get all the stains out! Even then I’ll still have to do some of it by hand.’

Then what you need is…

NEW FORMULA FIGWIT!

This BREAKTHOUGH in wash day technology is the only one that gives your clothes that Bogong Moth locked in freshness.

‘I thought moths were meant to eat clothes, not wash them!’

That’s the difference between NEW FORMULA FIGWIT and ordinary laundry brands. The days of re-washing are over – as the unique enzymes of the liquidised lipid will cut your cleaning time to a quarter!

‘Er, what temperature setting should I use? The dirt says “hot”, but the labels say “not”’.

With New Formula Figwit, you can sod the labels! Boil wash or in icecubes, the unique Bogong Moth Enzymes Technology ™ of New Formula Figwit makes a temperature dependent wash a thing of the past!

‘What? Even those tough Arbroath Smokie stains?’

With New Formula Figwit, we promise you no wash day red herrings!

‘Mmmm, don’t know about red herrings, but I just love that rich roasted Bogong Moth smell!

You’ll also love the speed it takes to do the job – first time, every time.

In the time it takes you to do a quick Safety Dance…

…you can enjoy clothes that are not nearly clean, but really clean!

‘Yippee! Plus that Bogong Moth Fresh moodlet all day long!’

‘Er, what’s that stain on the back of his trousers?’

That’s a combination of too many curried beans for dinner and using inferior washing powders.

Tests have shown that the use of laundry products that aren’t up to the job are a major cause of domestic strife, leading to…

‘Increased levels of bumnuggetry within Simmie society?’

You don’t know the half of it!

‘And – ulp! – outbreaks of Dramatic Goafer Syndrome?’

Scary, isn’t it? Even machines suffering from the dreaded Maximum Overdrive Syndrome!

‘No way!’

Here’s the proof – these are machines that have been given inferior laundry products for little more than a week.

Now compare with machines that wash with New Formula Figwit:

Yes – only the unique Bogong Moth Enzymes Technology ™ of New Formula Figwit are guaranteed to keep your machines not only free of limescale, but completely Zen!

‘So if you love your machine as much as your laundry, it’s got to be New Formula Figwit!’

The makers of The Iszomatic 5000, the Simmerqueen Twintub and the Trifospin Deluxe can’t be wrong!

‘Can’t say I blame them – it smells good enough to eat!’

It sure does PollySim, because…

New Formula Figwit also makes for a nutritious breakfast!

‘Yum yum yum, this is far tastier than my usual boring old cereal!’

Not only is New Formula Figwit packed deliciously with vitamins and fibre, its unique Bogong Moth Enzymes Technology ™ means it also brushes your teeth as well!

*Squee!* You don’t suppose that it also might…’

The bath’s here and the taps are running – all that’s required is you and New Formula Figwit!

And a bloody miracle

Shaddup, Lauryl!

And after just ten minutes…

Ahem!

Well, maybe twenty minutes…

Maaaaarrrrrres!

Oh all right, after two hours and a half hours, the water gone cold and PollySim’s finishing a rather good book and a mug of tea later…

A mug of tea in the bath?

Yes, with a dunky biscuit as well- your point is caller? Haven’t you got a Halibut nectar to make or something, Lauryl – sod off and stop ruining our advert!

… the unique Bogong Moth Enzymes Technology ™ of New Formula Figwit has done it again!

‘Hey, the Dark Marks really have gone! Even pressing the forearm with the finger of my opposite hand no longer gives a burning sensation!

‘It even polishes the bath like new and makes my towels extra fluffy!’

What about pressing your belly button?

‘Oh, that still demilitarises the world’s oceans and increases the Ozone layer – that was nothing to do with the Dark Marks! Don’t you remember Sims Forums Steven explained all this back in March?’

Oh yeah, so he did!

‘Wow! So from laundry marks to Dark Marks, New Formula Figwit really does it all – and is the cornerstone of a nutritious breakfast!’

And at only §10 for powder or liquid variety – both with that same unique Bogong Moth Enzymes Technology ™ – it’s also kinder to your purse!

Download your copy here.