EA Gets Shorty Award Short Shrift But Corporate Constipation Means It Retains Its Golden Poo

Alas, poor EA! It’s certainly not been their day!

First of all, they lost their Shorty Award for Gaming – you’ll remember the Shorty Awards, they spent a considerable amount for time last year trying to get you to all care a flying duck about it, only for it to somewhat backfire on them as the truth about these ‘prestigious awards’ unravelled in due course…

This year, they didn’t even bother attempt to bribe everyone with a free and highly controversial set most had bought or downloaded illegally from pirate sites anyway. Even so, they must have been irked to see the shoe on the other foot, with their award being sawn in half and two different upstarts – one getting less votes than they – getting the coveted glass doorstop.

This year’s ‘ceremony’ was hosted by basement dwellers and comic store rats favourite wank fantasy Internet TV ‘star’ Felicia Day – which we supposed is kind of apt, a pretend celebrity for a pretend ‘prestigious award’. Seems Selena Gomez was washing her hair that night. You’d think the ungrateful bitch would turn up one of these times considering they keep fiddling it so she always wins something!

Yes, she ‘retained’ her Best Actress award, or half of it at least. She came second in the voting, but as you all know by now Bluto Galant and the Sawhorseshit gang don’t let a trifle such as a majority vote they asked people to participate in the first place get in the way of make the winners anyone they wanted.

But now we are told that the Shortys are the social media award to get. Say it long enough guys to those people you wine and dine and you might get some people to believe it in about 20 years time!

The Daily Dot believes you should have a photo of Mr Sulu from Star Trek looking like he’s been stuffed and mounted to add extra weight to your articles. Even when he’s got bugger all to do with the article in question. Go figure.

A bit like ‘The Daily Dot’ – the Internet’s self-proclaimed ‘newspaper of the internet’, who are happy to indulge the Shortys in their fantasy if they will respond in kind. Future Shorty Award winner? You heard it here first!

According to Michelle Jarowski, the Shortys are ‘a global phenomenon’, ‘the Oscars of social media’ and ‘a legitimate award show’. A job with North Korean television for the Dear Leader is hers for the asking.  The voting figures say otherwise.

For example, Pretty Little Liars was ‘allowed’ to win this year’s TV Show Award after last year’s fiasco where they hoovered up all the votes yet lost out to the people that finished third.

As you can see, they got less votes this year – considering three series in the can it now boasts a mass following all over the world, it does strike us a little odd that its highly partisan fanbase that has squeegasms over it winning any award still can’t be bothered to vote in this ‘global phenomenon’. Unless of course they know a pig in lipstick when they see one.

To be fair, this year has been better in terms of those winning it being the actual winners of the public vote as opposed to last year’s farce where only eight of the thirty one winners came first in the vote, and on six occasions the sixth placed candidate was declared to have ‘won’.

Yet out of the 42 winners, only 38% had come first place in the 2013 Shortys category votes, eight ‘winners’ were joint, four they didn’t even bother to list the results for (Foursquare Mayor of the Year, Animated Gif Of The Year and Quota Answer Of The Year, Real Time Photo Of The Year, and Tumblr of the Year). The anomolies and screaming fixes abounded yet again.

The biggest fiasco of this year’s Shortys was NASA retaining their Government Shorty Award, despite finishing 7th in the vote (down from last year’s 5th!) and getting miles less votes than last time (66 votes to last years 197!).

Amazingly, not a single media outlet chose to pick up on this, instead barfing off once again about NASA’s ‘success’. 66 votes from the entire world, yep that makes it a ‘global phenomenon’ alright!

Kathy Zucker won her catagory with a mere 90 votes and 5th place, while the real winner Laraine Claire found getting 25 votes to every one of Zucker’s meant zip. That’ll teach you Ms Claire not to be an entrepreneur and CEO! Come back when you’re less proletariat you oik, then you can have a prestigious glass doorstop as well.

Bluto and co decided to do special country orientated awards this year – doubtless aimed at those target areas they’ve been managing to actually get any votes from last year. These were also the target of chicanery, such as the Brazilian where the 6th placed contestant ‘won’ despite a straight three to one drubbing in votes.

With Obama making much play about families in the last election, another newly made up category – Parenting – appeared, but Sawhorse couldn’t resist pockling that one as well.

Sorry Gina Brooks, but your 1700 votes are in no way as deserving as Carlos Pena’s 135, and the fact you’re in Australia and there was bugger all chance of you ever coming to the awards night had nothing to do with it, no sirree Plumbob!

Other six shooters included a Fake Prince Charles…

… a fake robot on Mars…

… and a splendid array of fifth placers just to add to the annual fiasco that is a Shortys and Curlies.

And we could go on all night.

The damning fact remains that the Shorty Awards remains a complete load of bunkem, and it says it all they even fiddled the winner of the band category so one boy band*** leapfrogged the other because the real winners are considered ‘old hat’ amongst the pre-pubescent population the Shortys are anxious to cultivate as the most likely to vote in any old shit when they’re all glued to computers, tablets and smartphones 24/7: and votes mean streedcred, folksies!

Never mind EA. Who cares about the crappy Glass Doorstops…

… when you retained the real crap award of them all, widening your margin over those Bank Of America upstarts in the process.

Poor BoA – doomed like The Netherlands in World Cup Finals and Jeux Sans Frontiers always to fall at the last hurdle!

As for EA, enjoy – it’s just about the only margin you’ll be increasing this year!

 

***For the benefit of the World Explorers, Hippiedippie, Mikezumi and other elderly residents, a ‘boy band’ is a device by which ‘Daddy’s Little Princess’ (a term not exclusive to gender, may we add, eg. Justin Bieber…) are encouraged to part with their allowances in return for being part of a pretend relationship where their devotion to their ‘boyfriend’ is measured by the amount of band merchandise they purchase.