***EXCLUSIVE*** The Sims 4 Official Gameplay Walk-Of-Shame Failer

Posted in Uncategorized on July 21, 2014 by themaresnest

The Sims 4 Official Gameplay Failer

Oh well, we may as well suffer like the rest of you and watch it…

The Sims 4 Official Gameplay Failer 1

‘Hi guys, I’m Ryan Vaughan, and this is… erm – I’m sorry, what is your name intern?’

‘It’s Graham Nardone, I’ve been working for you the last five years.’

[vague expression] ‘Oh, have you really? That’s nice. [mutters] Why did we take on him, he hasn’t got boobs? I’d better have a word with human resources again in time for September.’

[faces camera] ‘We heard you guys wanted to see some live game play, so today we have a special treat.’

You are going to show us live game play?

‘We’re gonna take you through the demo we gave to press and journalists at E3 last month.’

So you’re not going to show live game play, but a pre-recorded and edited electronic press kit, but you will mention live game play in the first sentence to give the subliminal impression you are giving live game play.

The Sims 4 Official Gameplay Failer 2

‘Now before we jump into the game we would like to say this is BATA software actually from a month ago,’

BATA software? As opposed to BETA software? Is this some sort of EA shorthand for MASTERBATA software because it’s a load of w**k?

The Sims 4 Official Gameplay Failer 3

‘So if you see any bugs or any kind of hiccups throughout our, er, game play today, just note that this is an unfinished version of the game.’

Let’s cut the crap:  instead of live game play, you are about to show a month old demo that you are asking of us also to not take as being representative of the final end product as a way of excusing any bugs we may spot.

On the basis of this, you are wanting us to return to trusting you and agree to part with a big chunk of money in a month’s time on little more than your good faith that it will be better and bug free by then.

Interesting to note that Vaughan stumbled over his words at that point and looked away from the camera. Someone’s conscience bothering him perhaps?

The Sims 4 Official Gameplay Failer 4

‘Hey! We’re your bros! Would we ever set out to deliberately mislead you?’

Why yes, Mr Tiny Fraction Of The Content, we do believe you would – just like you did throughout the Sims 3 era with expansions and premium content that were bugged and you promised to repair but never fully did.

You couldn’t even make a bakery back in April without managing to screw that one up as well – as your good friend Phreakindee at Lazy Gamer Reviews reported, it didn’t work! It needed a post-Twallan NRaas Industries mod to work properly.

The Deliciously Indulgent Bakery is a metaphor for the entire Sims 3 era – slapdash production with customers’ anger answered with weasel word and empty promises from Simgurus, resulting in amateur coders having to create fixes themselves.

You and your mates have demonstatably operated under a mission statement of caveat emptor, yet you expect us to trust you ever again?

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‘There’s nothing that a bro likes doing than hanging out with another bro, so we’re gonna jump straight into liff [sic!] mode now and see how our Sims traits and emotions change the way we’re gonna play the game.’

Oh dear…

‘The best thing about emotions is that you the player have complete control over them.’

In which case they aren’t emotions, are they? The whole point of emotions is heart over the head. You really have not thought this through, have you.

But let’s have a look at these emotions anyway:

The Sims 4 Official Gameplay Failer 6

yewot    shakehead

We are so underwhelmed.

The Sims 4 Official Gameplay Failer 7

By contrast, here’s Cloverstardropper in Sims 3 being very angry during the charming children’s tale of Little Rad Riding Hood.

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And just for good measure, here is Rad doing her angry face.

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Now that’s a very angry face. That’s emotion. And that’s Sims 3.

whistling mares nest version  whistling mares nest version

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‘When your Simmie can’t score at the local bar, he can hump a hole in the ground instead with the new tactile Molefucker aspiration…’

All emotions do is give a boost or a hinderence when doing particular kinds of task, skilling up or talking to other Simmies – the same as the old moodlets system. So where’s the progress?

Dress it up whatever way you like, this is nothing new – and all the ‘tactile and innovative’ buzz words in the world won’t change it.

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‘But look! Look! There’s Bella Goth! And her tits are bouncing!’

No – they’re – not.

Even the most sexually starved sad case in the world won’t believe that urban legend about how more realistic Simmies body parts are in the new game.

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‘And there’s people having a picnic at a picnic table! With hot dogs!’

Sims 3 base game did too. With better non-watercolour graphics. Next!

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‘Ooo ooo! Here’s an wild apple tree! You can pick apples from it! And plant them in your garden!’

Again, Sims 3 base game did too. With better non-watercolour graphics. Next!

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‘Oh… erm… hey! Your Sims can play chess against other Sims in the public park!’

Sims 3 base game with better non-watercolour graphics once again. Next!

Is there anything Sims 4 has that Sims 3 does not to justify its existence? Well there is one thing…

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Let’s have a look at the return of the ‘neighbourhood’ system, which means going through loading screens to get from one section of the town to another. Time above at start, nine minutes sixteen seconds.

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Time above at near the end of Graham Nardone’s Simmie going to another neighbourhood, nine minutes forty one seconds.

That makes a turn around time of twenty five seconds.

Now Ryan Vaughan may try to glitter the turd by saying that this also means between worlds as well as neighbourhoods within worlds, but those blocks of twenty five seconds are going to add up as you have a regular Simming session and become wearisome.

More to the point, those twenty five seconds will grow to thirty, to forty, etc. as new expansions, stuff packs and Store content are added in, whereupon the novelty will swiftly wear off… but they will have your money, and not care two hoots.

Whatever the moans about Sims 3, the open world meant less of the stunted experience a fractured neighbourhood system will return Simmers to (unless you’re attempting to play one of those ridiculous giant urban worlds that would bring a Cray Supercomputer to its knees).

As those behind the Thief (2014) reboot (aka Thief 4) discovered the hard way, the only place today’s gamer will tolerate having to go through multiple loading screens is in something like Animal Crossing: New Leaf for the 3DS or another handheld device, or for something so graphically brilliant and innovative it makes it all worthwhile, such as the industry game changing Skyrim.

Sims 4, like Thief 4, is a reboot proffering nothing new to what it is meant to succeed. Worse than Thief 4, it doesn’t have ten years between series to at least have advances in computing to compensate – Sims 3 will still be very much alive, kicking – and discounted – at the time of launch.

All this demo has succeeded in doing is proving they have nothing new to say.

Still Find It Funny, Simgurus?

Posted in Uncategorized on July 21, 2014 by themaresnest

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It’s a sign how weak they know their case is that come the middle of the demo, it is suddenly filled with Simmie versions of what are meant to be various celebrities for namechecking purposes – the sort of crap the hacks love when looking for column inches to fill.

But there’s one part where Graham Nardone and Ryan Vaughan really over stepped the mark – once is unfortunate, twice smacks of deliberate bumnuggetry.

‘You know what Gram [sic!], I feel really bad not telling everybody about our house mate.’

‘Ooo, that’s true. You know I’m really not a big fan of that guy.’

‘We kind of invited this guy to live with us, to kinda help subsidise the rent.’

‘He always acts like such a dictator.’

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‘Oh there he is, the little dictator!’

‘When you live with a dictator, you actually learn some interesting stuff about him that you might not otherwise have known.’

‘True. A little know fact about this guy, he happens to be way into baking cupcakes.’

the sims 4 official gameplay failer 17

‘The little dictator bakes cupcakes ahahahaha chortle chortle gigglesnork!’

Oh our aching side. Just think, if you and your lazy good for nothing Simguru mates had done your jobs properly, he might have been able to bake cupcakes in Sims 3 too without needing the help of an NRaas Industries mod to do it!

wanker  wanker

They even had the Sims 4 Simself of Kim Jong Un wetting himself, amid more prep school ‘aren’t we so naughty?’ giggles.

No wonder Vidkid20 over at Vidkid20′s Sim Lair (who had more than a few choice words to say about the demo) was not best pleased.

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Well said. For the benefit of those whose grasp of world affairs is limited to what’s on the news or is ‘hip’ on Twitter, North Korea is not merely one of the most vicious regimes in the current world, it is one of the most vicious ever known.

It operates a three tier caste system that makes the old Indian one or the European medieval feudal system look a paragon of meritocracy. If you are not at least member of the military (one in twenty five adults), let alone the Workers Party (and only those considered suitable are allowed to join), you are worse than dirt to the regime, and young women in this position run the risk of ending up in one of the ‘Joy Divisions’ of enslaved prostitutes for the pleasure of armed service personnel.

Right now, 200 000 people (men, women, and a lot of children) in that country are imprisoned in one of six concentration camps – that is one in every one hundred and twenty five citizens, most on trumped up charges because they or a member of their family have in some manner got on the wrong side of someone within the ruling caste (the higher echelons of the ruling Workers Party) and been ‘denounced’.

40% of all inmates die from malnutrition – few ever leave alive, and there is only one recorded instance that anyone has successfully escaped and lived to tell the tale. The really unlucky will die as a result of being used for chemical weapons tests.

Deaths outside of the capital Pyong Pyang due to malnutrition or outright starvation are common. According to defected Dr Ri Kwang-chol, those discovered to be handicapped at birth are put to death because they will always be a ‘burden on the nation’.

And oh, one guaranteed way to ensure those currently at the mercy of North Korea’s ruling caste and military are treated even more brutally?

Stuff like the above from smug Westerners taking the piss out of the head of their regime. They blame those at their mercy for somehow ‘encouraging it’.

the sims 4 official gameplay failer 20  the sims 4 official gameplay failer 21

Still find ‘Dear Leader’ that funny, Graham and Ryan?

thatsit  thatsit

Spookyscones Finds Spores In Her Mind That Take The Cake Over The Sims 4′s CAS Demo

Posted in Uncategorized on July 21, 2014 by themaresnest

Over at Tea For Sims (the Tumblr version), the inimitable Spookyscones has a sense of foreboding over the Sims 4 CAS demo – one which Cloverstardropper and Zhivan may find familiar from their own past experiences:

Spookyscones Finds Spores In Her Mind Over Sims 4's CAS Demo

And so to the demo – watch this all ye bloggers and forum post writers for a masterclass in how to send your readers expectations the wrong way before the twist, and the twist being the twist of a knife.

Spookyscones Finds Spores In Her Mind Over Sims 4's CAS Demo 1

Once again, the Lego hair proves part of the deal breaker.

Everyone remember Simjett making an arse out of Thickodoofus on the EA forum on the subject of ‘realistic hair for Sims 4, hint hint!’?

Another one to remember next time you read any bullshit about ‘technical difficulties’ from the wastrels at Redwood City.

thatsit  thatsit

Neogaf Getting A Laugh At EA’s Sims 4 Gaffs

Posted in Uncategorized on July 21, 2014 by themaresnest

You will be pleased to know that our recent postings on Graham Nardone, Charlie Boy and the rest of the snake oil salesmen at EA have been attracting all sorts of lovely attention outside of the normal Simming environs and the word is spreading nicely about what really lies in store with Sims 4.

You will equally be pleased to know that the gaming public out there know a pre-Thanksgiving turkey when they see one.

Take it away, CTLance!

neogaf members not happy about Sims 4 either

Yes, funny how ‘options’ in the EA dictionary always seems to be defined as ‘screwing our customers up the rear, going in dry.’

MysteriousMage09 meanwhile decided to get in the spirit of the new Planet Of The Apes movie (whatever one it is they’re up to now… Dawn Of The Rise Of The Return Of The Revenge Of The Planet Of The Apes?) with the following:

neogaf members not happy about Sims 4 either 1

That’s one form of being innovative and tactile they’d not forget in a hurry!

smiley-shocked032  smiley-shocked032


Thank The Plumbobs For Squeaky Wheels

Posted in Uncategorized on July 21, 2014 by themaresnest

squeaky wheels

Was it merely a coincidence that the Simgurus rushed out the CAS Demo for Sims 4 when the shit hit the fan big time over toddlers, pools, loading screens, etc. in one enormous whale of fail?

Pguida didn’t think so. Nor did many others.

squeaky wheels 1

Or as Simspeaker4 put it:

squeaky wheels 2

But as Mstybl95 also said, being hit in the pocket by cancelled pre-orders may have had its part to play as well.

squeaky wheels 3

Of course, there are always some determined to be hostages to fate.

squeaky wheels 4

Mstybl95 however is not one of them:

squeaky wheels 5

Exactly. Taking part of the final code and crippling the routines which would cause errors in order to make a usable mock up isn’t something that takes months to do. The likes of Will Wright and Sid Meier have all done demonstrations at gaming conventions down the years where they were able to run up advanced demos in a matter of hours. Granted both are gaming code geniuses -  some may argue the best there’s ever been – but it certainly gives the lie to any claim that a demo couldn’t be rushed out in a hurry in a desparate attempt to appease an angry mob.

Keep squeaking those wheels, folks. The more we force their hand, the more the truth about Sims 4 will come out before it’s too late.

bravo  thumb

Raiders Of The Lost Island Consignment Shop – Part 33

Posted in Raiders Of The Lost Island Consignment Shop on July 20, 2014 by themaresnest

rotlics part 33 - header

If you’ve not been keeping up, here’s where to go.

rotlics part 33 - 9

rotlics part 33 - 1

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‘Good, well done everybody. That takes care of them – let’s get these masks off before I pass out from trying to breathe through them a minute longer!’

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‘Me feel better, but me still don’t understand why we had to scare away Doctor Poo, Pudding Face, Four Eyes and Top Hat Granny Eater?’

‘TadOlson also does not understand why Stickykisses required TadOlson and Vera Blake to put gas masks over TadOlson’s and Vera Blake’s face and ask strangers if they were TadOlson’s and Vera Blake’s mummy. This is confusing and perplexing to TadOlson.’

‘It was the only guaranteed way to scare them off, they thought we were infected by Chula nanogenes – before either of you ask, explanations later! No need to hang around here, they’ll not be back.’

‘Good. Me no like hospitals. They full of smelly old ladies that get me into trouble when I ask why they have moustaches.’

‘Ahem, quite! But before we get going, you Vera need to change out of that – if you’re seen with something that looks like a weapon in the dark it might attract unwanted attention. Change to something more appropriate.’

rotlics part 33 - 5

‘This better, Miss Complainy Pants?’

rotlics part 33 - 6

‘Now I know why they always say never work with children or animals. Come on, let’s get some wheels and clear out this joint. Ah, this’ll do – you up to this one Vera?’

rotlics part 33 - 7

Is me up to it? ! Blimmin’ cheek! Me wos cracking vroom-vroom’s deadlocks and VAGs while you wos still in nappies!’

‘Well get on with it, you freakin’ arsebucket – we haven’t got all night.’

‘Keep watch for rozzers and nosey grown ups, Miss Bossy Boots and Taddo! Me will only need a minute.’

rotlics part 33 - 8

‘TadOlson wants to know why Stickykisses wants Vera Blake to break into this car.’

‘So we can drive out of here as fast as possible before all hell breaks loose. We’ve done what we’ve set out to do, and we’ve another appointment to keep.’

‘TadOlson wants to know where Stickykisses, Vera Blake and TadOlson are going next and why?’

‘You’ll find out when we get there. You two take a pedal each, I take the wheel.’

‘That no fair. Me want to steer this time!’

‘No Vera, because you start trying to ram all the other cars off the road and run over pedestrians. Let’s go – go - go!’

rotlics part 33 - 13

‘So, Miss Parkinson and Ross appear none the worse for wear, we all have a better understanding what’s going on, and now all we have to do is decide what will be our best course of action together.’

rotlics part 33 - 14

‘Em, thanks, but I think I’ll go back to hunting for Donnie myself. Thanks for saving me from being someone’s midnight snack, it’s nothing personal, but you are kinda like, you know, the Wicked Witch of the West.’

‘Why do these Muggles keep calling you by that name?’

‘Why the hell do you and Robert Smith of The Cure’s dad seated over there keep talking about Muggles?’

rotlics part 33 - 15

‘I’m afraid that I will also have to insist upon taking my leave – with Miss Parkinson: as Headmaster of Hogwarts she is my responsibility. There may be other Hogwarts students or staff in the same predicament and it is my duty to find and protect them. Thank you Zamira for your timely intervention in matters, but I’m afraid we must…’


rotlics part 33 - 16

‘Whoops, keep forgetting. Switch, Strawberry and… Gretel – no, Gretchen, my apologies – I ought to point out that to Miss Parkinson and the good Professor here, I am better known as Zamira Gulch, author of ‘Practical Household Magic’.

rotlics part 33 - 17

Zamira Gulch? As opposed to Almira Gulch, the personification of the Wicked Witch of the West outside of Oz. Your puns are showing, Elphaba.’

‘I’ve gotta get my shiz and giggles somewhere, kid!’

‘Now I know what you mean about you getting around more than the Beach Boys. So what’s the plan now? Do I keep looking for Jessamine Diane, or should we all go out and try and bring back any other displaced souls to this house.’

‘Hey, this isn’t a refuge I’m running here, ya know!’

‘Shut up Strawberry – you’re in enough trouble as it is. You help us, and we’ll forget this ever happened.’

rotlics part 33 - 18

‘Nucking Futs – I try and eat two nobodies brains, and everyone gets all upset about it? Don’t take it so personally. They’re not the first, and they won’t be the last. I’ve been dining like a queen here for two weeks on hapless strangers and I’m never going to get into any trouble for it!’


‘There’s been lots of little Kasper Hausers appearing all over Moonlight Falls at night for about a month – just like Pansy, Gretchen and Snape here. Sometimes only one. Sometimes two or three – and all without a clue where they are or where they were before, wandering around like farts in a trance until the police pick them up, take them to the Commonwealth Court and that’s the last anyone sees of them. Unless I find them first. Isn’t it amazing how much anyone will still trust a complete stranger just because she’s a blonde white woman? Three cheers for racism and sexism!’

‘You… you murdered all of those you brought back here?’

‘I prefer to think it more the case once I take out their brain they become inert – there’s not much they can do sans cerveau, except perhaps a career as a PE Teacher. I read about what was going on here in the charivari columns of some otherwise dreadfully dull newspaper when holidaying out in Al Simhara. Took the first plane here, got a house, and have spent every night luring all these lost lambs back here for recycling into a more useful role in Simming society as my sustinance, heh!’

‘I’m glad someone finds it funny…’

rotlics part 33 - 19

‘That punchline doesn’t tickle you, Snape? Try this one – everyone in town pretending nothing strange is going on. That’s what’s made it so easy for me. All those lost souls looking for someone local to help them. You try talking to any residents on the streets at night, they’ll just walk on by because they don’t know you – more likely they’ll also phone the police once out of sight to come pick you up. So go ahead Snape, walk out that door. You and Pansy won’t last an hour before the cops find you and it’s anyone’s guess what happens next.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘The local press don’t mention it – and who ever heard of a local rag not jumping on a story of mysterious strangers arriving in town? You only have to stick a caravan on a piece of common ground overnight for there to be a Gypsies and New Age Travellers Invasion Shock Horror Hide The Women And Liquor headline. Any mentions of the problem even get scrubbed off the Simternet as fast as they appear.’

‘They don’t mention it – at all? Anywhere?’

‘Go to the local police, military and governmental headquarters at the Commonwealth Court and ask them about why so many lost strangers are wandering around Moonlight Falls at night, you’re likely to be told not to be a troublemaker if you want to keep your job.’

‘That happened to you?’

‘Nah, I’m a woman of independent means.’

‘Yeah. I suppose robbing corpses sans cerveau would qualify as that.’

‘What I meant was I don’t have a job in Moonlight Falls. I prefer to keep a low profile during my time here. But Liam O’Dourke and his drippy girlfriend Lia Sims do. I overheard them a few nights ago talking in the Van Gould Merchant House Café about being threatened by their bosses when they did their concerned citizen Mary Poppins routine. They also mentioned City Hall treated them like they were mad. You know what else, Snape? They looked scared!’

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‘Okay okay okay, I get the picture. We’re better sticking together, even if it is with this psycho brain eating Muggle.’

‘Yeah, me too. I’ve already almost been killed once tonight. Look, Mr Snape…’

Professor Snape!’

‘Oh, sorry, Professor Snape, I know you mean well for Pansy, but I think against all our instincts we need to stay as a group. These people we’ve met tonight may be all that stands in the way of something far worse happening to us. I’ve found out the hard way putting your trust in local authorities to keep you safe isn’t always the best idea – they’ll do what’s best for them ahead of what’s best for you.’

‘Hey ho, nice to be appreciated! So Elphaba, Strawberry and Snape, should we stay or should we go? If we go there will be trouble, and if we stay there will be double?’

‘Oh my aching sides, Switch!’

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‘Come on Witchy-poo – leave these three behind. They’re safer here indoors with Snape babysitting than trailing along with us.’

‘Excuse me, I am a Professor, I am Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I am a former Potions and Defence Against The Dark Arts Master.’

‘Bully for you – all about as much use here as a Tantric Knitting honours degree from the University Of Bums On Seats! Sit down and have yourself a big slice of Shut The F**k Up Snape cake – you are no help to us.’

‘Why you little…’

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‘Now now, Strawberry and Severus, play nicely! I take both your points but it’s probably best staying together. If there’s any others out there, they’re more likely to trust a mixed group – especially if they’re stray Hogwartsians.’

‘I think you’ll find Hogwarts students are more likely to trust their own kind.’

‘I think you’ll find Severus it will only apply in this case if they are fellow Slytherins. Don’t mean to be rude, but neither you or Miss Parkinson are likely to win any popularity or Most Trusted contests down in the Vale of Hogsmeade!’

‘Huh, not if the fellow Slytherins are the Carrow twins. They don’t trust anyone!’

‘That’ll do, Miss Parkinson!’

‘Sorry, Professor.’

rotlics part 33 - 23

‘Look, we’re wasting time standing here arguing. Might it be an idea to hunt down the Liam and Lia this Strawberry Rotten mentioned? They may be able to tell us a bit more about what’s happening.’

‘Yeah, that sounds like a plan. He may know or have heard something about where Jessamine Diane is as well. And your Donnie.’

‘Huh, knowing Donnie he’s probably got himself entangled with a bunch of cougars like that horny old psychiatrist of his that only treats troubled teen boys and young men! But if I find him with another girl or girls, he’s gonna wish that Frank was right about the world ending!’

Uh oh…

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‘… I mean we’re only away from that night club two minutes and that Donnie Darko boy has to run off behind a rock because he finds himself caught short! I don’t know what goes on in young one’s heads these days.’

‘We were young once Reg, perhaps it’s best we don’t know!’

Tee-hee-hee… anyway let’s hope someone at the Commonwealth Court can help us and them.’

‘Yeah, good thing it’s open twenty four hours due to the police and military using it as well as the local mandarins. On the other hand, it’s the last place those two pirates are going to be, giving them a head start.’

‘Do you think there’s any more of this Hogwarts lot around?’

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‘Aw sure look it, the prodigal sons have returned everybody!’

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‘Oh… I suppose that’s one way of describing them Luna. A waste of space would be another by the look of it!’

‘Shush Pary, that’s their friends you’re talking about.’

‘They’re not my friends, Tangie! That pair of louts that like to call themselves the Studmuffins…’

‘The what?’

‘Who’s that with them? No… it can’t be…’

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‘Er… hold your hippogriffs, Cho…’

‘Shush, Hannah – you can’t stand in the way of true love.’

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EUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRGH! You’ve turned into a sparkly vampire! Bleugh! You are SO dumped!’

‘Whaaaa? But my sweet! My little pigmypuff!’

‘My arse!’

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‘Oh wonderful, Reggie, just spiffing! We’ve just doubled our loony tagalong quota, and got slaughtered puppy love and two lager louts as part of the package.’

‘If only it was lager. Rflong7/13. That’s Zedrael’s Special Reserve they’ve been tanking. Anyone got some Alka-Seltzer for later?’

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‘Erm… whatever it is you want, please take it and just go.’

‘What we want is information. What are the Death Eaters planning to do in this place?’

‘What is Barty Crouch’s role in all this? How did the Dark Lord manage to restore him when he’d lost his soul to a Dementor’s kiss?’

‘Do I get to phone a friend or a fifty fifty?’

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‘Do we look like the sort going to be amused by feeble Muggle jokes like Grainger’s at a Slug Club dinner?’

‘Em, could I interest you both in a nice Butterbeer?’

‘Don’t patronise us!’

‘Besides, I already checked your fridge before we hid up here when we heard you all coming back.’

‘Hestia, please! Listen Muggle, you have ten seconds to start talking and tell us what the Death Eaters plans are. Merlin’s pants! A Muggle working to help the Death Eaters! I’ve saw it all now…’

‘Flora, how do we know she’s a Muggle and working for them?’

‘There are no wands or anything magical in the house, so those here are Muggles, yet she knows what Butterbeer is?’

‘Oh, good thinking.’

‘Of course I know what Butterbeer is! Everyone knows about Harry Potter !’

‘See? Of all the names in the wizarding world she could namedrop, it had to be him!  This’ll be another of their idiotic plans to get Potter I’ll bet and tough luck anyone else caught in the crossfire!’

‘I… I’m sorry girls… I don’t understand what you’re talking about.’

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‘How about understanding this, then? Three seconds to talk – or we blow a You sized hole in the world with not enough of your remains left to scrape into a house elf’s matchbox!’


Raiders Of The Lost Island Consignment Shop – Part 32

Posted in Raiders Of The Lost Island Consignment Shop on July 19, 2014 by themaresnest

rotlics - part 32 - header

If you’ve not been keeping up, here’s where to go.

Zhivan, Clara and the Doctor are looking for the Carrow twins on their way to the Bloom Institute of Wellness:

rotlics - part 32 - 1

‘They can’t have gone far. They don’t know the area and that alone will slow down the speed at which they’ll travel.’

‘Yeah, well if you’re thinking we’re spending all night looking for them you’ve another think coming. Let’s get to the Science centre and get some coffee before we’re all only fit for hitting the hay.’


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‘… so you wave in the direction of the traffic, and I’ll wave at anyone I see, with a bit of luck there will be someone that can help.’

‘Er, doesn’t the traffic come in the other direction.’

‘Oh, er, yes, I suppose. Then wave in whatever direction you think best!’

‘Tsch! Brilliant mind, no common sense.’

At the consignment shop across the road, Liam and Lia have no idea they’re being watched by Jessamine Diane…

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‘What the… Liam O’Dourke and Lia Sims in Moonlight Falls? So I wasn’t imagining seeing Kim Kent and Piper Hipp at that house window a second ago. What are they all doing here – Simguru Grant’s little helpers? Unless…’

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‘By all the plumbobs… if they’re here, that can only mean one thing. What Paco1200 and the Black Scorpion talked about in the police car when we were escaping Niua Simoa. Spychip was right – those insane bar stewards! No time to wait for back up – I need to get into the Science building here, fast!’


Meanwhile, back with the Doctor, Clara and Zhivan…

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‘Admit it. We’ve lost them. Let’s head for the Sciencey place instead.’

‘Doctor, are you staring at my chest again? You know what I did last time you did that.’

‘Erm… no…. no, I’m not. The very idea, I dunno. The impression you seem to have of me at time, I…’

‘Doctor, when you spoke a moment ago, I could feel your jelly baby breath where it shouldn’t be. That’s how I know you’re lying!’

‘Erm, Doctor, I hope you’ve got your steel codpiece on. You’re going to need it.’

‘Oh shut up Abe… OW!’

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‘Hey, someone’s waving at us!’

rotlics - part 32 - 5


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‘Oi you two, watch out! That frog in the car might run you over!’

‘Doctor, really! Don’t call tourists from Champs Les Sims frogs!’

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‘No no, it really is a frog driving that car, can’t you see? This is Moonlight Falls you know!’


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‘Come on you two, Liam said this was urgent.’

‘Alright Abe, keep your hat on! If him and his nerdy little girlfriend are having a freak out, no need for us to lose it as well.’

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‘In here. My housemates Kim Kent and Piper Hipp have been looking after him.’

‘What the devil…’

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‘We managed to bring him back here after those two fiends and that monster with them finished committing their depravities. We’ve tried everything to bring him round, but he appears to be in some sort of state of shock.’

‘It’s taken an hour just to wipe the smile off his face.’

‘At least.’

‘Erm, quite!’

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‘And you say that they looked like characters from Disney’s Frozen? ‘

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‘Well, er, er, er, Lia?’

‘Hmmph! I told you three who they were, like I told you that was Gordon Freeman they’d been chasing. Who was right? Mmmm? Who is still to get an apology from you three, Mmmm?’

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‘This is no time for a nerd fight. Where did those other – erm, – beings go?’

‘Uh, they sort of ran off in the direction of the river.’

‘Have any other strange people like this been showing up in town lately.’

‘Erm… uh… this is Moonlight Falls, you know. There’s always weird people coming in and out.’

‘Come on Liam, you’re stalling here – weirder than the usual, then!’

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‘If it’s all the same to you, I think I’ll hit the sheets early. Got a bit of a headache. Goodnight.’

‘Hard luck, Liam – not your night, is it?’

‘Shut up, Kim and Piper!’

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‘Afraid there’s still no online signal, people. Every communications network still appears to be off the air… wait, something’s wrong…. if the internet network’s really off the air, how come I am getting a server error message?’

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‘That does it. We’ve delayed heading back to the Bloom Institute of Wellness long enough for this.’

‘Uh, shouldn’t we wait for Gordon Freeman to come round? He could help us.’

‘We haven’t time for that. You two stay with Gordon, the rest of you come on now or never! .’

‘What about Lia?’

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‘I’m sure she’ll be perfectly okay upstairs in bed. Think she’s sick of all this already.’

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‘Shut the door behind you – quietly – you’ll be dead if you even think of screaming for help!’

A quarter hour later, outside the Bloom Institute of Wellness:

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‘This was the LLAMA you said wasn’t working, Abe – and it was roundabout here you said you think you saw Donnie Darko and Gretchen Ross.’

‘I know I saw them, and stop calling me Abe!’

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‘There doesn’t appear to be anything wrong with it, and even if there was, this sort of technology’s not really my line.’

‘Ahahahahhahaha, Mr Know All Smarty Pants The Doctor is rubbish at something for a chance.’

‘Oh, shush Abe!’

‘Hold on you two, I may have something that can.’

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‘Yes, I thought so. Get out your smart phones everyone.’

‘Clara – Claaaaaraaaaa! Hellooooooo! Your species’ obsession with mobile phones and the internet is beyond belief, I mean, really. You only checked back at that house five minutes ago on a laptop that the signal’s kaput, but oh no, you’ve got to check again just in case it’s come back up. Honestly, it’s the nerds narcotic!’

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‘Do any of you lot want to smack him across the chops or shall I?’

Oi! Stop breaking the fourth wall!

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‘Hey, I’m picking up some sort of signal here. My reception bar is going up.’

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‘Hmmm, so is mine.’

That’s why I got out my smart phone, boys. I wanted to check something I thought I’d spotted earlier.’

‘Come again, Clara?’

rotlics - part 32 - 28

‘Don’t you understand, Doctor? We’re picking up some sort of electronic wireless transmission when near these boxes.’

‘But that’s impossible, they work on magic!’

‘Exactly – this should be the last place in Moonlight Falls a phone should be working properly at all, because a strong magical energy field interferes with electrical appliances. They had to build this hospital at a distance where there would be no risk of anyone using the LLAMA network conking their equipment inside.’

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‘Now we know why that box wasn’t working – someone’s tampered with them in order to use them to transmit their own private network that no one else can access…’

‘…. while all the other networks are down.’

‘… and because so few people use them, no one bothered to report the one near the hospital being broken as no one would risk the LLAMA network when they were feeling ill already.’

‘Well done you clever boys – you got there in the end! So what’s the next move.’

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‘Let’s get a good look at this box – I’ll wager whatever’s going on around here, there’s going to be a very big clue contained within…’

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‘Er, before we do that Doctor…

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‘… think you’d better take a look behind you.’

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